I’m home for spring break. It’s so weird coming home after being away for two months. I relapsed and am now about two weeks SI free, when before I was four months SI free, but I’m trying again.
But the other day, something unexpected happened…my mom found out about my self injury. It was a random freak accidental thing where she caught me trying to cover it up, but she knows now. I then had to tell my dad and now I’m just sort of…numb. I’m not sure how to feel. I’m not sure what to think. I mean…I had no time to prepare for it. I don’t know what to do. It’s so weird.
When my mom found out, she reacted just as I expected. She flipped out and blamed herself. My dad’s reaction was really good. He was calm, cool, and collected, but then used the word “phase” when referring to it. Idk if he meant it in the way I took it, but I didn’t like that word being used. I’m 19…if this was a phase, i’d be over it by now.
I’m so numb…as I said before. I can’t figure out how to feel. I can’t figure out how to think. We had this big family discussion tonight which brought up a lot of stuff about how my family is a big trigger for me and a huge factor in my own self hatred.
I’m going back to college tomorrow and I just don’t know how to proceed. I’m in counseling and I’m trying to stop self injuring. It’s just so hard to realize that my parents know…and it’s sort of annoying because my mom doesn’t look at me the same way and likes to bring it up whenever she can. I don’ t think I like that…at all.
Oh well. I guess I just have to get used to it. Which I hate. Whatever.
I just don’t know if my being numb is a good or a bad thing. I’m scared to burst when I get back to school. Any advice?