I’m home for spring break. It’s so weird coming home after being away for two months. I relapsed and am now about two weeks SI free, when before I was four months SI free, but I’m trying again.
But the other day, something unexpected happened…my mom found out about my self injury. It was a random freak accidental thing where she caught me trying to cover it up, but she knows now. I then had to tell my dad and now I’m just sort of…numb. I’m not sure how to feel. I’m not sure what to think. I mean…I had no time to prepare for it. I don’t know what to do. It’s so weird.
When my mom found out, she reacted just as I expected. She flipped out and blamed herself. My dad’s reaction was really good. He was calm, cool, and collected, but then used the word “phase” when referring to it. Idk if he meant it in the way I took it, but I didn’t like that word being used. I’m 19…if this was a phase, i’d be over it by now.
I’m so numb…as I said before. I can’t figure out how to feel. I can’t figure out how to think. We had this big family discussion tonight which brought up a lot of stuff about how my family is a big trigger for me and a huge factor in my own self hatred.
I’m going back to college tomorrow and I just don’t know how to proceed. I’m in counseling and I’m trying to stop self injuring. It’s just so hard to realize that my parents know…and it’s sort of annoying because my mom doesn’t look at me the same way and likes to bring it up whenever she can. I don’ t think I like that…at all.
Oh well. I guess I just have to get used to it. Which I hate. Whatever.
I just don’t know if my being numb is a good or a bad thing. I’m scared to burst when I get back to school. Any advice?
I’m sorry to hear about your parents’ finding out, and especially your mother’s reaction.
Do you have an appointment with your counselor soon? Or could you see him/her emergently? I would suggest leaving a message today so he/she is aware of what is going on.
I’m 28 now and when I was going through severe mental health issues in my early 20s, my dad would refer to hospitalizations as “vacations,” that sort of thing. Now from the vantage point of several years later, I can see that that was about him and not his view of me. As in, it was very hard for him to see me be in need of psychiatric hospitalization so “vacation” was a euphemism, not him thinking I was ridiculous or something.
I wonder if your dad’s use of the word “phase” was similar?
Listen to me i can’t say i know how it feels to have parents know about my SI but i’m 19 and i’m going back to school tomorrow too so i’m available if you need someone to talk to. Breathe and do you best to distract yourself. I understand that it’s the hardest thing and people tend not to realize how hard it is to stop. It’s our way to deal and yes it’s wrong but it’s how we learned how to cope. Things will be okay believe me they will be. It’s not a phase and they don’t see that but you know it. As long as you know that’s what’s important right now. It will take time for your family to understand.
My parent reaction was really similar to yours. They found out when I was 16 I think. My mom cried and said it was her fault. Sorry mom not everything in my life is about you. And like you my dad kind of took it in said a few things and that was that. My dad never mentioned it again ( I’m 23 now). My mom however goes through my room randomly still talks About ” how dumb I was” for ” doing that to my body”. I think your lucky that you can get away I personally would go back to school, focus on getting better and healing with the help of your counselor. I don’t want to say your parents opinions aren’t relevant cuz they only want the best for you. But sometimes you need to do you. I hope I didn’t ramble. Good luck stay strong