I’ve been in counseling for 6 months for my eating disorder and self harm i can’t say it’s been the easiest 6 months. What i can say is that it has helped but why do i have moments where i’m completely SI free for a few weeks and then i relapse? I don’t know what’s normal any more and i’m just so confused and upset that i’ve been in counseling for so long and i haven’t stopped these behaviors completely. My counselor is amazing but she keeps telling me i’ve made improvement and i guess i can see them i last longer without SI but at the same time i still do it. How long does these things take to get better? When will there be a time where i say ” yes i started to SI when i was in elementary school but i’m recovered” or just the word recovered.
Then i question whether everyone i’m seeing really does care. Does my therapist care or is she just doing her job? I asked her that last time i saw her and she explained that in order to do this job you have to care. What i didn’t ask her was whether therapist give up on their clients. I’ve seen so many post online saying their therapist gave up on them because they couldn’t treat them or it was taking too long. Is that going to happen to me? I’m trying and i’m working really hard but some days i just hate myself and i fall apart. I was just told i’m bipolar and i really don’t understand it. I’m on new meds i see a psychiatrist now and i’m barley sleeping. For instance i’m writing this at 1:47 am and i have energy right now and i don’t understand why or how. I don’t understand anything right now. I had a friend i mean “friend” who told other people i SI and i just found out about it this past week. How dare she expose such a huge secret to other people. Then i find out my nutritionist wants to increase my calories and then i find out i’m failing biology. I graduated high school last year so i’m in college and for the first time i’m failing. I’m a failure and that’s how i’m feeling right now. 1. I’m problematic who wants to be friends with me, who wants to care about me and if they do why? Why be friends with a girl filled with scars or problems? How do my friends deal with me? I don’t get how people care about me and yet i don’t care about myself. I don’t know how i’m feeling right now. I guess i’m upset and so many things have been going through my head and i just can’t understand them. Sometimes i wish i had a sponsor like the people in AA where they can just call them when they need help. I wish i had that for my eating disorder or for my SI. Sometimes i just need someone who gets me and understands. I love my friends and i always feel like i’m a huge burden on them even though they tell me i’m not. I don’t like calling them when i feel an urge or when i’m feeling this self hate after i eat a meal or being around food. Sometimes i just need someone who gets me.