I accept that my family hates me and that I’m utterly alone in the world. That’s the way its suppose to be. Nothing else matters to me anymore. Living life outside my room doesn’t matter anymore . Worst part is I’m already used to spending all my time in my room. I switched my phone to a new one and smashed it yesterday. I’m tired and can’t take plying peoples games anymore. I’m not a video game. I depress myself more and more each day.. All I wanna do is SI. Most of the time it seems my aunt doesn’t care whether I’m okay. I mean I know she has cancer right now and I’m the only one t even help take care of her. I’m the only one to catch her when she falls or anything. She made her point to her husband that she has 3 kids and not one of them cares what happens. She then points at me and tells him “she isn’t even mine and she cares more than them and she’s not even my flesh  Do you not see the problem in that ray??” To me the only reason I care is because I care about other people and I’m not selfish like the 3 kids. I at least have a heart but no one has heart for me. I use reading as an escape from all the stuff unfolding in front of me. I have an addiction to my books. Sometimes i imagine that I’m actually the characters in the book and that reality is actually the book I’m reading. I need a new escape and live my own life I mean there are things I have done I’m not proud of but I have seeked redemption. I feel Lost and totally exhausted. I accept that I can’t save everyone in my life but I’m sure gonna try. I might be 18 but that’s the thing I never lived my life before hand. I get that I’m suppose to be mature and be an adult now but on some days I wanna go back to the drugs and the drinking that I did. I could so easily go back. I’ve got to move on and be who I am. I just don’t belong here and no one understands I will find a place in this world someday but that is for now i gotta go my own way…

But really no one would understand my decision. Many days go by and I’m still sitting here waiting for the drop. No one ever even thought of an interventions its always “oh don’t do that if you do I will hurt you” People are constantly violent towards me. And if they don’t get their way they are always like ” We are so fighting Don’t talk to me.”  I know my friends talk about me behind my back because I’m not skinny and pretty like them. But I never judged them for the way they looked? Or ever judged them for what there parents did to them.If anything i sympathized with them. I mean sure my dad never beat me or anything At least not my real dad but he did abandon me. I was 6 months old when he left. Then at age 4 he came to visit me but then after visitation rights were given I barely ever saw him. He was suppose to have me every other weekend. I saw him once every 6 months if I was lucky. I would sit at the dining room window crying because he never showed but i would wait all night til i couldn’t keep my hurting eyes open anymore.

My mom is a whole other story. She was crazy and had papers to prove it. If you asked her she would show them to you. She beat me so bad at the age of 5 that if not for my brother she would have killed me that night. I dealt with my mom being crazy everyday having her throw abuse me on a daily bases. She was never right on the head after my dad left. I heard stories about how when she was pregnant with me my dad left once and she tried t kill herself and me. I still can’t figure out how she kept me from being taken away when she is so crazy. Our primary care physician even says my mother is crazy. I never pick on people about the life they come from but I get picked on and talked about all the time. The more I think about it the more I think about SI. I’ve doe so much with what little I have.