I dont know how I feel right now.

I want to say miserable.  But at the same time I think im ok.

I want to say I feel a little sick, but then I think im just tired.

I want to say I feel hopeless but at the same time hopeful for whats to come.

I want to say alot of things, to many people, I just cant.

I want to tell my best friend the reason I feel miserable today is because I SI-ed.

I want to tell her that Im freaking out over my body for our upcomming trip.  But I cant. I want to tell alot of people alot of things. It just doesnt come out.  And I cant, wont, and dont think I can handle the rejection that comes from it.  I dont think I can handle having someone brush off my problem as if its no big deal.

It is a big deal. Its an addiction I cant get over.  I get into this cycle often, I obsess over food, then it leads to si, which leads to depression, then im ok for a while, then I feel like i spiral out of control.  And in reality I have.  No one sees behind the perfect shell I put up.  Everyone thinks im fine.  I guess I WANT them to think im fine.

This is going off topic, but I told my mom that I never have surprises.  For example, christmas presents, birthday presents, trips, etc nothing is ever a surprise.  I know its not a big deal, I know I should be thankful for what I get, but dont tell me what my brother is getting me.  Dont tell me what you guys discussed and what you guys ended up thinking I would like.  WHY DO YOU TELL ME THESE THINGS? I dont care what Im getting, i just want a surprise. I dont know why this bothers me so much,  I feel let down every holiday, every birthday, or any occasion I get gifts, only because its never fun…its just getting things I know im getting.  wheres the fun in that??  Ok, im done with that.

I guess I put up a good act so no one really knows what I like, or what I dont like.

Its all these little things that really add up to make me mad.  Another example?  My mom calls me, says she made a specific thing for dinner.  I asked her if she really thought of me when she made it, she said no.  It turned out to be the food I hate the most. Its not a big deal, I tell her, Ill pick something up on my way home, or make a salad, no biggie.  Then she goes to say that she forgot I didnt like it.  Really mother? I have NEVER eaten that specific meal, what makes you think Ill eat it tonight?  Like am I really so insignificant that no one pays attention to my likes and dislikes?  Yet when its someones birthday I put so much thought into what they like, what they talked about wanting, or hoping theyd get.  Yet, when it comes to me its like “Oh by the way, I got you this for your birthday” REALLY?! You cant wait TWO WHOLE DAYS to tell me you got it?? Then the night of you go hide in your room to wrap it?!  Might as well just given it to me the day you got it.

I say all of this, but it makes me so guilty having all of these terrible thoughts.  I feel like im being an selfish person for having these thoughts when i know people try.  But Im a person too, I have feelings, theres only so long I can keep all this bottled up.  Its nothing major I realize all of this.  Its nothing to SI over even.  So I hold off, and hold off, and nights like last night I just snap.  I dont care what the tv tells me, I dont care what celebrities tell me, I dont care what friends tell me, I just want it, and need it and after I feel peaceful for maybe ten minuets.  Then what? A day like today where my eating is terrible, my thoughts are negative, and I just want to crawl under a rock and hide forever??

Sometimes I hate life so much, but at the same time I KNOW im worth SOMETHING, i just dont know what.  Idk, I think im leaving it at that.  Back to day one of recovery I guess.