I just got a reminder that I have to stay on guard with my recovery from self injury. I wouldn’t say I’ve put it on the back burner, after all, self injury was with me years before I stared drinking, BUT I have been feeling ok lately and mainly focused on staying sober. I don’t really want to tell any of my peers who self injure because I’m not sure it wouldn’t be triggering to them. I do want to tell someone though so here I am. I was sitting at my kitchen table about 15 minutes ago, I was eating lunch, I’m home alone just me and my dogs and cats and I have to be at work by 2 so I’m just sitting here getting ready. I was eating my lunch and realized there was a tool on the table next to me. As soon as I noticed it the thoughts started spinning in my mind. I entertained the thought for a split second and next thing I know I’m picking it up and considering it very seriously-the same way you hear about alcoholics taking that first drink- I thought ” well I’ll just do it once, no one will know, it’s not like I’m doing it to feel better, I’m just curious”…I started totally rationalizing it! I gotta tell ya, I have NO clue what just happened in my head. Let me tell you my morning-I woke up from a terrible nightmare about tornados, I took a shower, I made coffee, I let my dogs out, fed the pets, all normal morning stuff. My girlfriend and I left the house and I took her to work. I’ve been thinking about going to see my previous therapist, just to check in, say hi, return some of her books. I think that’s ok now. I’m not so attatched to either therapist now that I can’t function or that I obsess over being without her or being abandoned. I was before, and it feels weird to abmit that but I know I’m not the only one who has felt like that. A song came on my itunes in the car while I was driving on the road I used to drive to her office…I got sentimental for sure. I let that go and remembered it was a time in my life, a time that was important and it’s ok to be sad and to miss that in a way. That was that, didn’t linger. I stopped at the treatment center to say hi to my AA sponsor, stayed there for about an hour chatting, then came home. That’s it. I’m in a good mood. Then I sat down to eat lunch and that’s when it happened. I’m not down on myself or anything, I didn’t use the tool, although now a part of me wants to, but it just reminded me to stay on gaurd. I know I have grown a little though because nothing would have stopped me before, I would have acted on impulse. Now I think about it and think about the consequences and I think about how once I start it’s hard to stop. It’s been 56 days and I’m doing it one day at a time and in instances like this-one minute at a time. It’s kind of a red flag to me, I had a thought about using last night and had to tell someone, so a couple red flags in a short period of time. I know I can be different now though and that the outcome doesn’t have to be hurting myself. I have to tell myself it will pass, it always does.