Life has taught me a lot of things lately. Also refreshed a few things I already knew and sadly, always proves me right. I really wish people would stop expecting SO much from ME and do a little work themselves for once….For example.. There is someone in my life who brings me a lot of joy. Virtually the ONLY thing to bring me joy lately since the 4th anniversary of my mom’s passing away just went by, you guessed it: Valentine’s Day. Made MORE painful by the fact that my (at the time) best friend who helped me through it last year, has made a point to betray me horribly the past few months. I’ve been SI’ing again, which has made me feel awful because I’ve feel like I’m entering a never ending circle…I’ve been fighting with myself since I was 15.  I keep wondering how long I’m gonna be here and stuck like this. I already put distance between me and my boyfriend because of it. I have NO interest in letting him know any of the…I don’t even know what to call it…. Is this the “real me”? Or is this just my dark side? I don’t know…Either way I don’t plan on being happy. I can’t think that way. I’ve been through this enough where I know when you say “I’ll never hurt you”  it just means “I haven’t hurt you yet”. And I’m done letting people close to me. That’s hurt me enough too. I’m just so tired of people saying they care and then disappearing…..then I’m wondering if I’m being annoying for God forbid wanting human contact… I’m just sooooooo sick of this..