I’m real sad today.  My Grandma’s birthday would have been today. The 12th is the day she died. I keep thinking of this time last year. It was such a hard
time in my life. I was locking myself up in the back room of my apartment intoxicated and self injuring. When I think of myself I think of myself being a dark, empty, hopeless, selfish person then. I was abusing a medication That has really effected my memory, i remember certain things very vividly but most of this time last year is a big blur. I could sort things out in my memory if I wanted to, I have old emails, old blogs, old journals-I’m not ready to look back and see though. I think I’d just feel really gross about myself. Some things I’ve gone back and read since I left treatment but most of it I stopped after a sentence or two because I am embarrassed. I’ll do that later when I’m ready to go there, maybe. The point I’m getting at is that I’m sad, having all kinds of feeling, even in a way that I don’t understand I’m missing that time-but I have no urges to self injure and no obsession to take a drink or a drug. I’m ok with sitting with it and it amazes me and I’m so grateful for the opportunities and support I’ve had and have in my life today.