I’m real sad today. My Grandma’s birthday would have been today. The 12th is the day she died. I keep thinking of this time last year. It was such a hard
time in my life. I was locking myself up in the back room of my apartment intoxicated and self injuring. When I think of myself I think of myself being a dark, empty, hopeless, selfish person then. I was abusing a medication That has really effected my memory, i remember certain things very vividly but most of this time last year is a big blur. I could sort things out in my memory if I wanted to, I have old emails, old blogs, old journals-I’m not ready to look back and see though. I think I’d just feel really gross about myself. Some things I’ve gone back and read since I left treatment but most of it I stopped after a sentence or two because I am embarrassed. I’ll do that later when I’m ready to go there, maybe. The point I’m getting at is that I’m sad, having all kinds of feeling, even in a way that I don’t understand I’m missing that time-but I have no urges to self injure and no obsession to take a drink or a drug. I’m ok with sitting with it and it amazes me and I’m so grateful for the opportunities and support I’ve had and have in my life today.
I know how it feels. I know the pain, how it stings.It will not pass slowly. Pain never does, but if you trust in something, or someone. Ask whoever/whatever you warship for strength, to be there for you at your weakest. It will help. You will feel stronger, though the world may seem to be on your shoulder, it isn’t.You will recover, no matter how long it takes, look forward and see what you have to love in your life
Thanks for the kind words