Feeling like this could only mean I’m sinking, well I’m sinking…pull me out!

Music can be a great escape. The words a person sings can really speak to you and move you in a way that you haven’t been moved before. But sometimes a song can draw you In Deeper into the pain you want to forget. Or the hate you hold onto. And that’s when the thoughts happen and you start to wonder if life is worth it.

Sometimes things get so bad I don’t know what to do. I just want to explode I want to run away not caring where I ended up. I want to be gone. But then there are times when good things happen and the people you once hated with a passion are actually ok. That’s Until something bad happens again.

I’m so confused because I can’t stand where I live and I hate my grandma I do but sometimes I don’t and I don’t know if it’s just because she’s family or because deep down in that place where her heart should be, she cares.
Maybe all the bad stuff she’s done has been a way to cover up her grief as well but it still doesn’t make it ok to hate us like she did and still do and then treat us so nicely and then hate us again. It’s not cool at all because I don’t know what to thinking you or if j even care what happens to you.

I hate when my feeling for people change and I see good in them and then they end up hurting you again and makes you not want to trust anyone.

I’ve grown a lot in these last four months I have not SIed, but not enough to make me not see why it can’t be a way out. Everyday there’s something that makes me want to do it. Everyday I feel like I’m lying to myself. Big whop I haven’t done it so what that doesn’t make me feel better because all I want is  to do it all I want is to go back to the way it was when I kept my mouth shut. Now I talk to people. And I used to think that it helped but then they left all of them and now i don’t know if I can make it. There’s always a way for me to replace the tools I threw out. And I’m starting to think that I might do it. I really need something to help me because all that junk I tried to do to keep my mind off of it has stopped helping me. Now I see something that resembles a tool and I think about what would happen if I just did it just this once. It’s only one time that’s it that’s all I need. I no it’s not but I feel like if i do it just once more I’ll be done. I want to talk and see a real therapist but I’m afraid to ask and I don’t want my family besides my sister to no because I don’t want them to call me crazy like they’ve been doing and I dont want them to consider me the weak one the one who’s not going to make it like they’ve been doing.

I want to SI…but I also want to stop.