Feeling like this could only mean I’m sinking, well I’m sinking…pull me out!
Music can be a great escape. The words a person sings can really speak to you and move you in a way that you haven’t been moved before. But sometimes a song can draw you In Deeper into the pain you want to forget. Or the hate you hold onto. And that’s when the thoughts happen and you start to wonder if life is worth it.
Sometimes things get so bad I don’t know what to do. I just want to explode I want to run away not caring where I ended up. I want to be gone. But then there are times when good things happen and the people you once hated with a passion are actually ok. That’s Until something bad happens again.
I’m so confused because I can’t stand where I live and I hate my grandma I do but sometimes I don’t and I don’t know if it’s just because she’s family or because deep down in that place where her heart should be, she cares.
Maybe all the bad stuff she’s done has been a way to cover up her grief as well but it still doesn’t make it ok to hate us like she did and still do and then treat us so nicely and then hate us again. It’s not cool at all because I don’t know what to thinking you or if j even care what happens to you.
I hate when my feeling for people change and I see good in them and then they end up hurting you again and makes you not want to trust anyone.
I’ve grown a lot in these last four months I have not SIed, but not enough to make me not see why it can’t be a way out. Everyday there’s something that makes me want to do it. Everyday I feel like I’m lying to myself. Big whop I haven’t done it so what that doesn’t make me feel better because all I want is to do it all I want is to go back to the way it was when I kept my mouth shut. Now I talk to people. And I used to think that it helped but then they left all of them and now i don’t know if I can make it. There’s always a way for me to replace the tools I threw out. And I’m starting to think that I might do it. I really need something to help me because all that junk I tried to do to keep my mind off of it has stopped helping me. Now I see something that resembles a tool and I think about what would happen if I just did it just this once. It’s only one time that’s it that’s all I need. I no it’s not but I feel like if i do it just once more I’ll be done. I want to talk and see a real therapist but I’m afraid to ask and I don’t want my family besides my sister to no because I don’t want them to call me crazy like they’ve been doing and I dont want them to consider me the weak one the one who’s not going to make it like they’ve been doing.
I want to SI…but I also want to stop.
Weallhavesecrets.. I know how it is to lose friends and not trust family. Right now, I talk to the people on here more than I do people in real life. Strange isn’t it? I’ve been lied to and used by the ones that I thought that I could trust the most, my family. That’s why I’m completely alone anymore.
Except for what I write on here, I keep everything in. My feelings, my hurts, my wants and hopes. I’m sure that it’s eating me up on the inside which isn’t the best for me. There is always someone that you can talk to. I’m sure anyone on here is willing to try to help in one way or another. I know that I try to when I can.
As for you being weak, I doubt that. You haven’t SI’ed in four months so I would say that you are strong. All of us are human,(I wish that I wasn’t) and we all make mistakes and have doubts about ourselves sometimes.
You just have to figure out what is good for you and you alone. Not to worry about what others think of you. You can’t control how they think and it’s only their words. Sure they hurt hearing them, but they can’t harm you unless you let them.
I’m on here throughout the day if you need someone to talk to.
I talk to kore people on here than my friends because I feel like y’all get me more than them. Yes they have there issues but there not the same they don’t SI and the one that did has been clean for two years and doesn’t like to talk about it. So he doesn’t help me but like talking on here with y’all because yo understand.
I don’t like my family on my moms side anymore because I feel like they don’t understand whT it’s like to live the way I do and thy have never asked that’s what I hate brush ask my grandma but they don’t ask us and she doesn’t knownus never took the nance to know us so she says we are fine all the time but she doesn’t ven no I was SI. So much goes on here and feel like I’m just floating by.
There are really good people on here your one of them and G1_Jane is another.
Thanks for that about being clean. At first it was a happy then I was like who cres because I have no one to share it with and when I do there like so or there not as happy for me as I’d like because they don’t get it they don’t get that for me it’s a supper big deal. But thanks to you and G1_Jane, I’m proud of that again. And yes we are human and so are you and you should try and just get all that you’ve Been holding in out so you can feel human again.
I’m trying to figure out what’s good for me but what I thought was right and what I wanted is not helping anymore only because all that Ive wanted I wanted it because I thought I was happy and done being fake with my feelings but I’m not I realize I still pretend to be happy and to be like nothing is wrong and I have o stop that I guess.
Thanks for being here tho and the other times to because you’ve given me some good advice and even tho I’m young, I think I have some good things to say, well my friends are always like I have good things to say, so if you ever need someone to talk to I’m here because I’m on this site all day 🙂
Not SI’ing is a big deal for any of us. Just being able to stop for any amount of time is something to celebrate and friends should care. It’s something that is special to you.
I think everyone pretends to be happy in one way or another. I know that I try to appear okay around my family. They don’t need to worry about me on top of the things in their lives. It sounds like you are trying to do the same.
Its not really my family i want yo hide my prkbles from tho its myself i feel but also other people like friends to. Even tho i want them yo listen i feel like ill just be creating more unwanted dramma for them.
Like i almost told my guy friend i si but then i couldnt because i didnt want to bother him
But i guess we both should stop doibg tht cuz what are those ppople there for but to at least help a little im not expecting much just an ear to listen.
I’m too old to change how I am about that one. Not telling them things has kept me in the shadows with them. They forget that I’m there.
i tried to stop i was doing good went 8 months without SI but then i relapsed about 7 days ago… i think about it to and people use me as well and sometimes it doesn’t get any easier at all. I fight everyday to stop… i break down and fail making me feel even worse than i did before.. Your music idea sounds good but every cd i have has depressing music on them… idk what do…