I have had to deal with a lot these past 6 years. I have been a totally different person since losing my dad. But recently I hurt my mom and i continued to do so because of my fear of letting people into my life. I have tried to S.I countless times. I have always felt so alone. This past month I keep having visions of me hurting myself. This issue keeps me from sleeping. My Aunt who i currently live with has done everything in her power to help me and guide me on the right path. She has now become sick with cancer. Its becoming more difficult for me to keep going. I feel people are abandoning and there will be no one left to help with the thoughts in my head and the things i do when i black out. I wish people wouldn’t judge me based on my appearance. I walk around keeping to my self. I’m not very social because I don’t know how to be. I spend time thinking about what if i never rebelled to get my moms attention. Did my mom ever really love me even though she abused me and was never there to take care of me when she was suppose to? Was it ok for her to always b drunk and act like a prostitute? Why did she treat me the way she did? Out of the 12 kids she had I’m the youngest… When she needed someone to take care of her I always did even when i was little? but does that mean I really love her? I’m finally 18 and my mother has finally realized how much she needs me and my money… But i can’t help her anymore.. Is that wrong of me?