ok so lately  i’ve been thinking about my ex boyfriend a lot. sometimes i barely think about him and other times i can’t get him off my mind for hours. i broke up with him last fall, and i keep wondering when i’ll be able to forget about him… i don’t love him anymore and we haven’t talked in person since the break up. he was my first real boyfriend and i gave up everything for him. friends, drugs, alcohol, and all of myself. he was verbally abusive,  controlling, and manipulative, always threatening to hurt himself if he ever caught me doing something he didn’t like. or telling me i was selfish. or that if i really loved him i would always put him before hanging out with my other friends. talking me into doing sexual things, when i made it clear i didn’t want to, he never stopped or even noticed if i would start crying. and when i didn’t do those things for him, he would pout and refuse to talk to me. i’m not saying this to make him sound like a monster, he wasn’t. he had gone through a lot of struggles in his life and was very depressed for most of the time we were together, he’d always tell me about how he wanted to hurt himself. and he cared about me, just not as much as he cared about himself. i injured a few times while we were together but he always found out and would be sad/ angry. so i tried not to, to avoid hurting him. i made many mistakes in our relationship as well, abusing substances behind his back (even if it wasn’t often) and never opening up to him. eventually, i got tired of him always yelling at me and telling me what i was doing wrong, so i would be mean back. it got to a point where we couldn’t even hangout without fighting. so after over a year, i ended it. told him it was best for both of us. i knew i would lose mutual friends, would have to deal with seeing him in the halls at school, and have to deal with being alone when i was so used to having him. i pushed all of that away for a while but now it feels like my hearts breaking all over again. he has a new girlfriend, and since we broke up he’s taken to doing lots of drugs. we got into a big fight (through text messages) shortly after we broke up where he rubbed the substance use in my face and called me horrible things. i said some terrible things to him too, which i’m terribly sorry for now. i want to apologize, to tie up our loose ends so i can finally put this whole mess behind me for good because it drives me crazy hearing about what he’s turned into (i honestly blame myself, he was always so against that kind of thing before we broke up) and seeing him and his new girlfriend in the halls at school. he’s a senior, so at least he’ll be gone next year, but we don’t talk, and his girlfriend might not be okay with it anyway. and he might not even want to listen to me. but holding all this in is killing me, i just want to let him know i’m not angry anymore. i want him to know i wish him the best, and make sure he’s okay. but he isn’t mine to check up on anymore, we’re strangers. i don’t know what to do.