I havent self harmed since getting my Strong tattoo. Yet, it doesnt mean that I am not thinking about it. I have so much going on, which is pretty normal. Its been like that since I was 9 years old. The thing that has been hard getting used to is not being in control. School I can be in control but because I am always so tired of typing and working that I feel out of control. I am mentally exhausted, to the point I sometimes sit and zone off completely. My prof is also being insane, always calling me and asking where I am and etc… I understand he believes I have potential and etc, but the calling is driving me mad! I do as I please and he is invading my personal privacy. As hard as it is for me to admit, I am very depressed and I hate it. I do a great job hiding it, but I am horrible in hiding it to myself.
I recently went away to P.A with a guy (not my boyfriend) and it was great. But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking of all the work I have to do and when I need to do it by.I keep thinking about the life that I want to have, but all the other things in my path. Much of the things in my path are stuck there forever.
I am ashamed because I feel I am coming out as ungrateful and selfish, but I am grateful I am just tired of having to show and prove it all the time. I am going through the motions but I dont feel alive.
I actually feel dead deep inside.