I’m sitting here, ready to cry. I cried yesterday. Sometimes it feels so good to cry. I talked and cried to my boyfriend for an hour, just about everything. About failed goals in life, about not feeling good enough. For myself, for anybody. Despite all this, I feel stronger then I did before. I wish I wasn’t so pessimistic, but you can’t just shake off everything. I keep thinking of my old life though, the life I lived before anything happened. Before I started wanting to SI, before everything. I know now is so much better, so much more complete. And yet, I can’t seem to let go of the old life. I still think of my old friends, the ones I see everyday that refuse to acknowledge me, despite the fact I did NOTHING to them. It seems they chose a side, and I was not on it.
Here I am today. Sucessful, I suppose. I made an x-theatre production at my school… also didn’t make another. So now I am doubting my acting abilities. Except… what’s to doubt? Like my mom evens notices my tear-struck face. Or even cares to ask. I can say exactly whats wrong… now, “im sorry” or “poor baby girl”. Nothing. Just a “do this for me, I do so much for you” Like what? Tell me what you do for me besides tear me down. Do you know, now I think like this because of you? If I do anything I’m screaming your name in my head. You don’t even seem to deserve this, to deserve me. Right now, you don’t even deserve the title “mom”.
I’m sorry if that seems harsh. If you have a problem with that, there’s a reason I need to go back to therapy… yep…
Long day… I’m going to do things for me tomorrow. Not you… but feel better from pnemonia… I say all these things, but you know I love you somehow mom. somehow.
My boyfriend will be here, he will always be here for me. I don’t know what I’d do without him. … Im worth it. -Butterfly