I’m not sure why I’m even sitting here writing this anymore. It’s been over two weeks sicne I’ve picked up my tool and done anything. I will admit though that I sleep with it next to me. Everything that I’ve done wasn’t helped or fixed anything in my life. Sure, it’s helped me feel a little better but that goes away after a while. Even the marks vanish without leaving a scar. WIthin the next week, all trace of what I did will be gone again.
It doesn’t matter how I feel about what I do or what it does to me. Looking back, I have come to realize that I should be here in the first place. I end up doing things to myself not to hurt myself but to try to make myself less alive. To get rid of any type of feelings that I have in this world. To slowly finish off what was started many years ago and then again several years later.
Now, the pain of SI doesn’t matter to me like it use to. It’s only pain. I know that I will heal from it. It’s the emotional block that it causes that I truely need. A way to block out who I am and what I feel…..
I think your here and back even tho you said in ur last post you were done ad going off on your own becacuse you need the support from others. We all do, people who comment help in my opinion and they care because they no what its like. But anyways i want you to that your feelings do matter and if you leae them alone and say they dont matter all that pain isnjust goong to buikd up and then youll start to really beikive that you and your feelings and what happens to you doesnmatter. You shouk try saying to urself at least twice a day i matter my feeings matter i am important i am strong and i wilk mmje it. Maybe positive words will help you understand that you matter everything about you matters
Im sorry that you try something ut works then stops that is really hard. It used to happen to m to i would fibd ways to be happy then it just stopped helping but back then i wasnt ready to stop i wasnt ready to quit and back then i never really new why i did it i just new thht i had pain andi needed a release. But then one day i told myselfthat i wanted to better myself and i mmnt it that time and ive stuck by tjose words for three months. Sknething doesnt work i stop dibg that nd go in to the next but i d positive things that dont harm me. Altho tats arent bad unkess ur just doing then to cause yourself pain. But what im trying to say is keep trying to do different things dont do one thing all the fime to many things so that way you wnt feel like that onething isnt working. Itll qork if you keep trying i k ow people say tgat all the time try try but within time it starts to work and you feel better. I really hope that things get better for you. And thht soon u will realize that not everything is your fault and to stop takibg all the blame for somethings. 🙂 oh and sorry if you dont ubderstand or if the spelling is bad im using a nook so its not good for typing so sirry in advance
Weallhavesecrets… The spelling is fine. I knew that you were saying. I end up taking the blame for most things because in a way, I’m the cause of it going wrong. I know that I am. IE. I had someone that I could talk to for a while and I think that things were going pretty good for me. I was actually calm. Then I ended up asking a simple question the wrong and now we aren’t really talking.
When I was calmer, I was able to do more things that i wanted to do. Work on my writing, work around my house. Now, I find that I’m sleeping more. I should say, sleeping more hours during the day than at night.
I’m going to stop now.
When I was able to afford to get tattoos, I felt great for months. I was able to still calm and not worry about too many things. The three hours sessions were wonderful therapy. I only wish that insurance would have covered it though.