I’m not sure why I’m even sitting here writing this anymore. It’s been over two weeks sicne I’ve picked up my tool and done anything. I will admit though that I sleep with it next to me. Everything that I’ve done wasn’t helped or fixed anything in my life. Sure, it’s helped me feel a little better but that goes away after a while. Even the marks vanish without leaving a scar. WIthin the next week, all trace of what I did will be gone again.
It doesn’t matter how I feel about what I do or what it does to me. Looking back, I have come to realize that I should be here in the first place. I end up doing things to myself not to hurt myself but to try to make myself less alive. To get rid of any type of feelings that I have in this world. To slowly finish off what was started many years ago and then again several years later.
Now, the pain of SI doesn’t matter to me like it use to. It’s only pain. I know that I will heal from it. It’s the emotional block that it causes that I truely need. A way to block out who I am and what I feel…..