It has been 2 weeks since the last time i SIed and now i can’t go to to the gym any more according to my counselor. You see i have been SIing since i was in 5th grade and i also have an eating disorder and recently engaged myself in going to the gym to feel better about myself i guess. Then today i tend to eat candy which then causes me not to eat and one of my friends likes to take control of the situation. Everything i do all the coping mechanisms even though they are wrong to do they all have to do with control. You take away my control i get anxious and i’m not sure whether it’s normal.I already deal with feeling abnormal that maybe just the fact that she’s my friend and she’s trying to control me not even trying she is once in awhile it makes me feel four times abnormal. As if this sense that i have to be watched all the time on what i eat, if i eat, when was the last time i SIed and then some days i just feel uncomfortable being touched but she does it anyways. I love my friends i really do of course but some things they don’t understand. My friend even said that she predicts i’m going to relapse soon and i was soo upset because you shouldn’t be saying any of that to a person.
I go to therapy and now in March i’m seeing a psychiatrist and i don’t even know what to expect. Going into college i expected a fresh start where no one knew my problems and i was able to make these friendships without having them worry about me or me being this (what i feel) burden on their lives. Chances are nothing i say makes any type of sense. I don’t even know why i’m writing i guess i just needed to vent and talk to someone who gets me in some way. I haven’t SIed in two weeks and i get that i can relapse i understand that but for my own friend to say ” i predict you’re going to do it again” like just nooo because i’m working so hard to change and this habit especially after 8 years of doing it of course it’s going to take time. I can’t make giant steps because where would that take me… no where. In order to do this right you have to take these really small baby steps so i have to take it one day at a time. I’m not sure where i’m getting at here . Sorry if it makes no sense.