It has been 2 weeks since the last time i SIed and now i can’t go to to the gym any more according to my counselor. You see i have been SIing since i was in 5th grade and i also have an eating disorder and recently engaged myself in going to the gym to feel better about myself i guess. Then today i tend to eat candy which then causes me not to eat and one of my friends likes to take control of the situation. Everything i do all the coping mechanisms even though they are wrong to do they all have to do with control. You take away my control i get anxious and i’m not sure whether it’s normal.I already deal with feeling abnormal that maybe just the fact that she’s my friend and she’s trying to control me not even trying she is once in awhile it makes me feel four times abnormal. As if this sense that i have to be watched all the time on what i eat, if i eat, when was the last time i SIed and then some days i just feel uncomfortable being touched but she does it anyways. I love my friends i really do of course but some things they don’t understand. My friend even said that she predicts i’m going to relapse soon and i was soo upset because you shouldn’t be saying any of that to a person.
I go to therapy and now in March i’m seeing a psychiatrist and i don’t even know what to expect. Going into college i expected a fresh start where no one knew my problems and i was able to make these friendships without having them worry about me or me being this (what i feel) burden on their lives. Chances are nothing i say makes any type of sense. I don’t even know why i’m writing i guess i just needed to vent and talk to someone who gets me in some way. I haven’t SIed in two weeks and i get that i can relapse i understand that but for my own friend to say ” i predict you’re going to do it again” like just nooo because i’m working so hard to change and this habit especially after 8 years of doing it of course it’s going to take time. I can’t make giant steps because where would that take me… no where. In order to do this right you have to take these really small baby steps so i have to take it one day at a time. I’m not sure where i’m getting at here . Sorry if it makes no sense.
I think I understand what you mean. And I know you’re friend is trying to help you through this, but it really isn’t okay to say something like that to someone. You MIGHT relapse. Maybe. But that doesn’t mean that you will. You never know, you might never SI again. It’s as much of a possibility as anything. I know it’s hard to try and let go of control. Some things you have to let go of.. it’s so hard. And it’s even harder to replace bad coping mechanisms with good ones. It’s definitely a process, so you’re right. You can’t expect huge leaps and bounds when stopping this. If you have to use little things to do to cope as stepping stones to stopping–that’s okay. As long as it doesn’t become a new addiction. It’s not the best thing to do, but it helps when you’re just starting out trying to really stop. I hope this makes sense and helps a little. Just know that you are not abnormal and you aren’t alone
Just the fact that my friend has this huge thing that hey i might relapse… last i checked relapse is a normal part of recovery. It’s going to take time and my friend thinks it’s going to fix itself. It takes time but i feel like i have to fix myself since i started this. I don’t know what to do besides go to the gym it’s started to get to me right now and causing anxiety. I don’t want SI over this i’m soo lost and i always give advice on distractions but right now i can’t even listen to my own advice.