maybe im depressed? i know im sad. im angry. i hate life. i know its cliche when a teenager says that hate life. every one goes through that phase. yeah  everyone who knows me at school thinks “oh Brittany, shes that happy bubbly blond girl” on the outside i look so perfect so happy. like nothing has ever gone wrong. i hate myself. more than anyone could imagine.  i’ve injured. i have since middle school when all the girls started all that stuff about me. it makes things feel better. i do it to see if i can at least feel something. i throw away my tools alot because i want to stop. i find more somehow. I might just have the primal instinct keeping me from ending it but I am not certain. ive had thoughts about death. quite often.  looking at me you wouldnt think so. im numb. im hurt. im cold. i dont care for much of anything. the one thing i care a bout the most doesn’t want anything to do wiht me and the other thinks im stupid and want to be like the one i hate the most. when in my head i want to be the opposite of her. i hate her. i hate how she has effected me. shes ruined me.  or have i ruined myself? i dont want for there to be something wrong with me. but i know there is. i have for awhile.  i dont know how to talk to my parents. i dont know how to get to them to realize im not doing this for attention. i didnt have food issues for attention. i dont do anything for attention intentionally. things just happen with me. the last time i truly remember being happy is when… i cat even remember actually. my life is awful. i have a great family who loves and supports me. Missy(my step mom)  is great. shes been there for me since i cant even remember. my dad, well hes not there often but he tries. i love them both.  so its not my family thats my problem. its myself. i dont have emotion. i dont have a median. i dont have that little voice in the back of my head yelling ” hey brittany! stop !not a good idea!! your doing that wrong. ” that doesnt exist with me. i only do what feels good, and so far nothing does.i dont know what to do. everyone i know thinks im happy. im not. i hate life. i just want to be happy again. im tried of being sad.