I used to be so strong. Well, at least strong to push down my feelings and keep them there. Now they’ve gotten harder and harder to keep down. And when they leak out, I SI (But today is the 13th day since I last injured). I love that people will see me as strong and feel comfortable talking to me about their troubles and come to me for advice. I want people to confide in me and find comfort in me. I wish I had someone I could turn to.. I’m not complaining about it. I am glad people see me as strong. But I don’t feel it.. I feel like I’m just putting on a show. And I’m so, so tired. I can’t do this anymore. But I don’t want anyone to see me as weak.. Even though I am. Right now especially. I guess I should give a little background..
Um.. When I was 6 months old, my parents divorced. I have an older brother and a younger brother. We all have different fathers. After a nasty custody battle, we all lived with my mom and I was ordered by the court to visit him every other weekend. My brothers didn’t have to since he technically isn’t their father. I hated going to his house. He was a very complicated man.. When I was four he molested me. When I told my mom he hurt me, she confronted him and he said he was just giving me a bath and didn’t know how. He forgot after four years? She believed him. I had to keep going to his house.. He made me sleep in his bed with him. Right next to him, against his skin. I have grow to have so much hatred towards him. Finally, when I was ten I put my foot down and stopped seeing him because “I was old enough to decide for myself.” My mom will still deny to this day that my father touched me. I witnessed many of my mothers abusive relationships. Boyfriends, step dads.. Always men coming and going. None of them were good. At all. I was depressed and suicidal already for a couple of years. I was just a kid. What would have been different in my life if someone would have just looked at me and really have seen me? Told me I’m NOT worthless. I AM loved. I DO matter.. Instead of always hearing the opposite. So many hurtful things.. I don’t even remember the first time I injured. It’s all a blur. I stopped eating. I hated myself. I hated everything. I kept everything inside. No one had any idea.. I wish someone cared. Ten months ago I found a friend who I thought understood. He always talked about TWOLHA and didn’t even know I injured. He was my best friend. And I was his too.. We began to date after a few months of friendship and fell in love. I never trusted anyone and kept everyone away from me. When I finally got up the courage to tell him I injured, he still loved me. He was there. He tried to support me through it and was helping me stop. For the first time, I thought I had a reason to stop. Everything changed when his mom found out. She freaked out when she read a text about him helping me when I wanted to SI..and said I’m crazy and unhealthy for him. That I didn’t even really injur, I was just making it up because he knew about TWLOHA. I tried to fix it. I tried to talk to her. She never answered my emails or calls. She made him leave me.. She was always looking for a reason to make him break up with me and she finally found one. Everything just exploded. I had to tell my mom about the SI and she flipped and screamed at me. Saying how stupid and cowardly could I be to injure myself. What kind of sane person does that, I just want attention, I hate her and am trying to kill her, so many hurtful things. She ran into my room when I got out of the shower and, before I could get dressed, yelled at me and stared at me saying why would I want hideous scars on my body just to get attention. Then she went and told my brothers I’m crazy and a injurer. It was so humiliating. I never trusted anyone, and when I finally trust one person, it all blows up. I can’t even describe how crushing it felt. The people I should be able to trust the most and know that they love me unconditionally are the ones who hurt me the most. And on top of that, I got a nasty letter from my father yelling at me about how disrespectful I am because I don’t talk to him. He never tried to talk to me. He never did anything except hurt me. And now I’m so alone.. It wasn’t just a typical relationship between two young people. My best friend and soulmate was taken from me and didn’t fight to stay with me. If he did, I couldn’t tell. He promised he would never leave for any reason. I need to talk to him. He was the one I had finally been able to lean on when I needed help and love.. He’s gone. His mother said if I ever try to contact him, she’ll get a restraining order taking out against me…. I don’t even have any closure. Does he still love me? Did he really want to stay? What is he thinking? I have to know. I’m losing it. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense. I just really need some help right now. I need someone to talk to. Someone who will distract me from the constant verbal abuse. Someone to understand and really be there