I turned 37 years old in December.  Around Christmas/New Year’s I had a major lapse of SI and am back in treatment for the first time since about 5 or 6 years ago (if you don’t count treatment for my ED 3 or 4 years ago).  It sounds silly and I’m so scared to share it in groups and therapy but I know one of the major things holding me back in recovery is grief over my dog who died on 8/31/11.  He was my lifeline, my best friend.  He knew me better than anyone.  I’m afraid that if I share about it, I won’t be able to control my emotions or will want to SI when I go home.  I’m tearing up now.  I’m also afraid of being judged because people might think he was “just a dog.”  Then my husband and I adopted another dog three days after my dear spaniel’s death, way too early to grieve him, and had to give her back to the shelter.  I am so guilt ridden by that and even though it was the right thing to do (she has a major medical condition we could not afford to treat and the shelter was a no-kill shelter who did not put her down), once again I am afraid of being judged and triggered to injure.  This is so hard for me.  I’m a dog groomer.  On one hand, it’s great to be around dogs for my profession but my treatment for my SI both emotional and physical prevents me from working right now.  On the other hand, when I’m at work I’m constantly with OTHER people’s dogs and it hurts reminding me of my dog’s passing and that I no longer have a dog.  I’m so sad.  I’m almost too sad and depressed to have the energy to hurt myself if that makes any sense at all.