It has been a LONG week. I started intensive outpatient again at the treatment center I went to. I told my therapist I’d think about it and next thing I know I’m handing over my personal belongings to be checked and having my phone and keys taken away. I know in my gut it’s where I need to be whether I like it or not. I don’t know how long this will be for and its causing more rifts in my relationship. I’m feeling really overwhelmed tonight. I feel kind of weird seeing injuries on my body, its like it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care, that’s just where I am today. Also it feels like it doesn’t matter because it’s not really me. And it’s true, it really isnt me. I got a taste of what recovery feels like and what it looks like on me and that was me. I have got to pull myself out of this rut I’m in. I’m 4 days sober from alcohol, 4 days self injury free and man I’m struggling. Not so much with urges tonight, just those demons in my head telling me I’m worthless and I will always be sick. I re read a journal tonight from may-June of last year, I found suicide notes I had written, prayers to not wake up, prayers
begging that I DO wake up because I was scared I had crossed the line. I am almost sick to my stomach reading all the terrible, MEAN, things I was telling myself. I read where I was, I took myself back to that place, what I remember of it, a lot of things I can’t remember. Sometimes I think still that this whole recovery thing, therapy, mood medications,support groups of all sorts is a waste Of my time. I wish I could sound more encouraging but this is just where I am tonight. Progress not perfection! That is what is getting me through tonight. Im not beating myself up over the relapses, it’s just really hard to get back up this time.