I just need to rant a little, I may not make sense and I appologize in advance. =]
I want to si really bad right now. I took out my tool and looked at it. Its my last one that I have kept around but I put it away. I had another tool by my bed from crafts the other day and I had to put it in a different room because I didnt trust myself. I didnt want to be put in the position to si. But I really want to Si so bad. i want to feel teh release. I want to stop thinking. I want to just not feel all these thoughts inside. Ive been in such a crabby mood the last few dasy I dont know how to handle it. I dont want to be around anyone. All I do is hurt the people around me with my horrible attitude and I cant explain it! I just want to isolate myself and pretend I dont exist. i want to sleep all day and cry all night. When Im up I want to be alone, when Im alone I want to be with someone. Everyone around me is annoying me so when I want to be with someone they annoy me so I want to be alone again. I cant keep doing this to everyone but I just cant help it. I feel like im in a funk. In a low that leads me to feel like all I want to do is SI. I think about it all day, I want it all day, the only thing that is helping me not si is not having a tool. But OH the need is there!!! Why cant the thoughts of Si just go away!! I want to feel whole again. I want to be nice. I dont want to be this mean person ive been the last week! This is why I was so scared to stop si-ing in the first place. Ive mentioned this before here, the person who doesnt SI isnt who people like. Im not the perfect daughter, sister, friend, aunt, coworker everyone wants to be around. Im this horrible person who has no regaurd for anyone around her. THIS is who I was scared of becoming. I dont understand how ONE habit can lead me to change this much. Maybe its time to put the mask back on…
Its really starting to bother me. I feel like if I si itll help. Why? Because itll help me release the thoughts. Thats a lie, I know itll numb them, for maybe another few weeks, then i will be back where I was before. I hate this feeling. I hate myself for doing this to the people that I love and care about. Why am I such a monster? I cant control my thoughts, actions, or feelings. I want to cry one minute, the other im happy. I want to go out late and stay out with my friends and family, but an hour into it all i want to do is SI and go to bed. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I wish I could pick up the tool and do what I need to do to feel whole again. But i cant. I wont. I know Im strong and I can do this. but can i? Can i really? am i really that strong person? or is this all a cover?
I want to smile and feel real. I want to look in the mirror and feel pretty. I want to put on some sweats and not care what I look like. I want to FEEL. Something, love, pain, happiness, sadness, something! ANYTHING.
I was so normal growing up, why now at 23 am I such a mess?