I considered myself stable for a relatively long period of time. We’re talking years with only a minor lapse here and there.
Until 2 weeks ago. Circumstances of my life brought me to a depression lower than I’ve known in 11 years. I turned to substances for the first time in my life and the week after Christmas, injured myself again.
I am reminded that my actions have consequences. While talking to my husband of over 7 years from the not-so-private phone on the inpatient unit, he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he couldn’t handle this any more. While I know this is his decision and it’s about him, I know my ed and si behaviors over the years pushed him away.
Then there’s my wound. I’m in an incredible amount of pain daily. I scared myself. I have pain and weakness and may have permanent nerve damage. I’m not able to work now both because of my program of recovery and my wound, making me have to rely on others again. This puts me in a shameful position.
I’m not trying to beat myself up but to remind myself that my actions do have consequences. Those consequences can be pretty hard to accept sometimes, but I must take responibility for my part. And I also must admit that I’m pretty sad.