In the past three and a half months I have been able to refrain from giving in to SI but it has been the hardest three and a half months of my entire life. It was easier to give in, I must say. But I was never as content in chaos as I have been recently. I mean I still have random days where I’m just down in the dumps and all I want to do is cry, but now that I’m trying to exclude self injury as a way to cope, I actually do just simply cry. Hysterically. For hours. And after I feel better and stronger instead of feeling better but weaker.
But lately I’ve been really struggling with telling my parents. See, I’ve told all of my close friends and both my sisters. My older brother doesn’t know but he doesn’t talk to me barely ever so I don’t see how he would find out. Part of me thinks I should tell my parents, but I will always talk myself out of telling them every time I get that thought.
What I am afraid of is my parents both blaming themselves and it just causing chaos in my family and fights between my parents. There was a time when I was 99 percent sure my parents were going to divorce, I couldn’t bare it if I was the reason they actually did. Plus, my parents have me up on this pedestal as the only one in the family with no “problems.” My brother is an alcoholic, my big sister has several addictions of her own, and my little sister is OCD and ADD. I feel like if I don’t live up to their expectations then I’ll have failed them…which I already have, but they don’t know it. They can still look at me and be proud, not ashamed, to call me their daughter. I just see telling them going down hill, but my friends keep telling me that they will find out sooner or later. They say it’s better to find out sooner. But is it really?
I’m so terrified. I cried for a really long time the other night as I fought with myself whether or not to tell them. I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet. I don’t know if I could handle it. And I don’t know if they can handle it. My parents probably have no idea what self injury really is.If they react badly, I’m scared I’ll fall back into SI and it will be worse than ever.
If any of you can offer advice, I’d really appreciate it.
High five for making it so long! That’s great. But anyway, back to the bigger issue.
Okay. Do you hold yourself up on a pedestal? I knsow you said your parents do, but do you put more pressure on yourself too? That’s a lot of pressure to be the one without any problems. But everyone has problems. Some people are just inverted and good at hiding them. Give yourself a break. You won’t ever be problem free. Sure your problems can get better and easier, but they won’t ever disappear. This problem you can control. It may not feel like it, but you really can. You’re in control of this.
With your parents, would it make it better or worse for you? Nevermind your parents. What about you? If your parents get divorced, it’s not your fault. It’s an easy way out to put deep problems and issues off an the closest struggle. You should be able to lean on them and not worry about how it’ll effect their relationship. If they’re already having problems, it’s NOT you. In a perfect world, they would be completely loving and understanding. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world by any means. As I’m sure you’ve seen and felt by now. I don’t know how your parents are, but maybe you have to really think about how it’ll go if or when you tell them. If you think it’ll help you and you’re ready, then do it. Here’s what I would do.
Get a gameplan and a game face. Prepare what you want to say before you talk. Plan out how to get your point across without getting off topic or too upset. Bringing some info about SI or quoted or anything might be really helpful in explaining how you feel, how it makes you feel, and things like that. Just plan what you want to say and stay calm. If you’re calm, it’ll keep them.more calm. Be prepared for how they might react. It might help.if you bring some backup for support. A good friend, your sister, just someone who.knows and you can trust. You can’t let their reaction effect you too much either way though. It’s (SO) hard, but you have to stay strong no matter what.
I hope this helps. Good luck either way. Just think about it and what you want and is best for you in the long run.