In the past three and a half months I have been able to refrain from giving in to SI but it has been the hardest three and a half months of my entire life. It was easier to give in, I must say. But I was never as content in chaos as I have been recently. I mean I still have random days where I’m just down in the dumps and all I want to do is cry, but now that I’m trying to exclude self injury as a way to cope, I actually do just simply cry. Hysterically. For hours. And after I feel better and stronger instead of feeling better but weaker.
But lately I’ve been really struggling with telling my parents. See, I’ve told all of my close friends and both my sisters. My older brother doesn’t know but he doesn’t talk to me barely ever so I don’t see how he would find out. Part of me thinks I should tell my parents, but I will always talk myself out of telling them every time I get that thought.
What I am afraid of is my parents both blaming themselves and it just causing chaos in my family and fights between my parents. There was a time when I was 99 percent sure my parents were going to divorce, I couldn’t bare it if I was the reason they actually did. Plus, my parents have me up on this pedestal as the only one in the family with no “problems.” My brother is an alcoholic, my big sister has several addictions of her own, and my little sister is OCD and ADD. I feel like if I don’t live up to their expectations then I’ll have failed them…which I already have, but they don’t know it. They can still look at me and be proud, not ashamed, to call me their daughter. I just see telling them going down hill, but my friends keep telling me that they will find out sooner or later. They say it’s better to find out sooner. But is it really?
I’m so terrified. I cried for a really long time the other night as I fought with myself whether or not to tell them. I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet. I don’t know if I could handle it. And I don’t know if they can handle it. My parents probably have no idea what self injury really is.If they react badly, I’m scared I’ll fall back into SI and it will be worse than ever.
If any of you can offer advice, I’d really appreciate it.