I know i shouldnt feel this way. I know everybody will think im insane. Can somebody please answer this question though?: why do i want to stop SI? I mean the only reason why i would stop is because im hurting other people…..but to be honest….i dont care. I mean injuring is something that works for me, just like smoking works for some people, or blogging, or talking. Injuring helps me stay calm, and if it wasnt for the scars, i wouldnt care. I mean i when i look at my scars its a reminder that im alive….that i feel pain. I dont like talking about it, so i injure. Please somebody tell me….why stop something that works for me? Just because it isnt accepted by society doesnt mean its wrong. Its like smoking! It leaves “scars” (yellow teeth, dry skin, cancer etc…) And in time it can lead to health issues, but people dont care if you smoke, and people dont care if you drink, just because SI leaves scars the moment you do it they care. But its just another way of coping…..scars used to be beautiful. The Mayans used to see scars as something to be proud about, something attractive, beautiful. I see my scars as something beautiful. I have learned to live with them….people who love me will learn to live with them. If they truly love me they will.
I felt the same exact way this past summer. I mean self injury is a way to cope that actually works. Pain releases endorphins in the brain that calm you down and make you feel better. But crying also releases endorphins. And exercise. You don’t have to hurt yourself and feel physical pain to feel relief from emotional anguish.
When I was in the same boat as you are, not wanting to stop and not seeing a reason for it, my friend had to pretty much take me by the shoulders and shake me to make me see even a glimpse of what he saw. He told me that no matter what, if I keep doing this, it will end up getting to the point where I go too far. It’s an addiction so every time we need a higher dose. And sooner or later, I would have gone too far. And my parents didn’t know…did I want my parents to find out through getting a call that I was in the hospital? No. That would destroy me and them.
Also, I went to a counselor and told her I didn’t see a reason to stop and she asked me if I wanted to be dealing with self injury when I was getting married. Or having kids. Would I want to try to explain it to them? My answer was always no.
I don’t know if these things will encourage you to stop but they definitely helped me.
Also, I don’t know if you’re a Christian or not, but God created you because He loves you and he doesn’t want to see you hurt yourself. He lets things hurt you so that you will turn to Him and let Him carry your burdens.
Well, I hope that helped at least a tiny bit. At any rate, I get what you’re saying. It’s hard to stop something when you can rationalize it to be a helpful thing. But try to see it through other people’s eyes in that you don’t deserve to hurt. You deserve to be loved.
I completely see your point. I don’t see what’s so completely awful about SI most of the time. You turn to a tool instead of drugs or talking or any other fillers. Just like most of us on this cite you bottle things up or keep everything inside. When you do get things out, they never fully get out. They just come up on your skin. You have to want to stop for yourself. For me, I’m the only one getting “hurt” when I SI. So I don’t care how people feel about it since they don’t care. You have to want to stop for yourself.
Yes, SI makes you feel better. Alive. There. Back to “normal” or at least as.normal as you can feel with all of the pain and anger and just not caring, but still caring so much. It’s all contridictory. You injur to feel better, but how much does it really make you feel better? Is it a short term high from a long term addiction?
I’ll admit it, most of the time SI makes me feel better. It really does. But are you happy? I’m not. SI makes me feel better for a little while. Then I want to do it again. The only way you can see a point in stopping is when you find something better than SI. Something that makes you happy and doesn’t depend on pain to bring you back to life. We all have to find something to make us happy enough to beat the high of injuring. You deserve to have a better outlet and way to connect to life. You have yo do it for you. If you do it for anyone else, it won’t really be beaten. Seeing how it affects people you care about can be a huge wakeup call and motivating factor. But until you decide that YOU want to stop FOR YOU, it won’t be worth stopping. And you’ll stay in this cycle. You’ve just got to be honest with yourself. And believe me, I’m trying to believe the same things I’m telling you.
P.S., I think scars are beautiful and something to be proud of. Anyone who doesn’t see your scars as something beautiful isn’t worth your time. I’m not saying people won’t be a little freaked out if they don’t know about SI, but when you get through all of the pain and come out strong and victorious, they’re a beautiful reminder of something so ugly and painful.