Its been a year since I’ve gotten on, and lots has happened in that year. I’ve learned that the ones I considered my family were not, well not him anyway. I hate myself for letting him do what he did to me. I hate that I took so long before telling someone, had I said something sooner I wouldn’t have lost my best friend of 8 years, she was like my sister in every way and now there is no chance of getting her back because he filled her head with lies and being her dad she believed him over me…she thinks we had an affair, but I didn’t want it. I never wanted any of it to happen. At least when I turned to my parents they believed me and welcomed me back into their lives with open arms even after all the horrible things I had done to their family, and the horrible things I had said to them and about them…I’ve realized that nobody can replace your real parents. I was kicked out of my best friend’s (well, ex-best friend now) house, and I moved in with another great friend who became my fiance and is now my husband. He knows everything there is to know about me, even all about the S.I. He knows that it hasn’t stopped, even though he wishes I could and would. Really right now there is nothing wrong with my life. It couldn’t get better unless I won the lottery or something. I don’t know why I still get the urge, I don’t know why it wont go away, ever. I hate the look on my husbands face when he sees another scar. But I feel like I cant breathe without my S.I. I feel panicked and it doesn’t stop until I’m done. I know that it’s because I cant let go of my past, because it haunts me everyday, it even effects me and my husbands marriage sometimes, tho he doesn’t let it get too far. I wish I could just forget it all and be normal, I feel like I cant be a good wife if I keep doing this, I don’t deserve the love that he gives me everyday. I’m 20 years old and S.I. has been my life since I was 13. I want it to stop but I don’t know how!! I want to stop hurting him and the only way to do that is to stop hurting myself which I can’t seem to do!
It certainly does sound like quite the busy year for you. Congratulations on your marriage 🙂
Okay, now down to business. First of all, I’m sorry you went through al of that. It’s hard. And hurt you. But you HAVE. To forgive yourself and accept it as a part of your life. But it’s only a part of your life today because you’re letting it overtake your thoughts and feelings and actions. You can accept it as a part of your past. You may have some regrets about and wish so much that you can change it. But you can’t. Some things just can’t be fixed hsow we want them to, or need them to. Right now you have to forgive yourself and let yourself heal. You can’t hate yourself anymore. You’ve got to accept that it happened. No.matter how it happened and who did what, it still happened. You can’t change it. You can’t do anything to make it right. All you can work on is you and your end of everything. When you’re up at night thinking over everything that happened and what you could have done differently, said differently, handled differently, and you feel the sick panicky, suffocating feeling washing over you and you want to SI, do something. Get your hands busy. Do twenty jumpingjacks, sing your favorite song, try and say the ABCs backwards. Just do something. Get yourself busy when it’s too late to just push it out of your mind. Eventually when you start thinking about it, start shutting it out sooner and sooner. It’ll be tough and take some time, but it will get better.
Most of all, forgive yourself. Try to like yourself. Be someone you like and you’ll start to love yourself.