I’m the oldest daughter of four girls in the peeeerfect christian family… the great big sister! I’m the overachieving, perfectionist, excellent-at-everything type… Happily married, trying to have a baby. Finishing my second college degree, starting a business, active in my community, blah blah blah….. And when I get really upset I self harm.
It’s escalating. I think of suicide often. I dont know why. My life is good. That kind of makes it worse… Because I dont know how to talk about my feelings without sounding ungrateful or irrational.
When I’m stressed or guilty or angry I injure myself and it gives relief from the pressure built up inside. I don’t know why. Nothing else soothe me with the same catharsis. That scares me…. I guess I’m admitting for the first time that this could be an addiction and I could have a serious problem. I’m lost and I don’t know how to cope…. Because the problem IS my coping mechanism.
Help I feel so isolated and alone wIth this.
Well ur not alone. Trust me.. i SI a lot. My parents hav eto frequently check my whole body for them. im not really religious.. as in, i dnt really believe in god. But thts my opinion and urs is urs. Im only 13 also. But thts me.. just a little quicky on who i am partially lolz….. so ur just SI just because of anger and stuff.. u havent tried anything else? As in.. scribbling on paper.. or jogging or anything like tht? Trying different and unique things to see if itll help as a coping method.
I guess it never occured to me to go do something nutty like jumping jacks or tearing paper or something when I’m loosing it. (After I typed that I realized, “Oh, wait, can anything be more nutty than hurting yourself?” – haha.) Anywa. I have always just done the thing that comes naturally. We all know what that is. Thanks… I will try to make a list of alternatives and see if I can fill them into my life.
I relate so much to what you said. I’m not saying I completely understand, because no one can understand you except you. But I see where you’re coming from. It’s hard to understand why, when life is going so great and we’re supposed to be living the “perfect Christian life” does life seem so hopeless.
I wrote back to you on my post that you commented on but I just want to make sure you get my email in case you want to talk more. It’s visiblyperfectinvisiblyscarred@gmail.com and I would love to talk more about this.
I know how you feel. I grew up in a great christian home, but over the years, and after my mom passed away nothing had been the same for me. I think twloha and S.a.f.e. are great places. They both have really helped me, I have been SI’ing for 4 years now, and sometimes you feel like nothing can help BUT SI, of course it doesnt and honestly one of the best things you can do is just even getting your thoughts out, just like you did 🙂
You are not alone. I SI for many of the same triggers. I too am a perfectionistic over-acheiver. I have a great family and job, but I feel so depressed all the time. I was surprised when psychologists considered SI a serious problem because for me it was just something I did. I hope there is a solution out there but in the meantime I just want you to know you are not alone.
I know how you feel. I was so depressed today and crying a lot.
Thanks all for replies. Very helpful as they have come in. @jdon – I went for a bit of counseling to one gentleman who said this is quite a common way that a-type, high stress people deal with “mental dissonance”… he suggested “mindfulness exercises” (I think you can find descriptions of some of these in connection with the book “Buddha’s Brain”). The idea is that you can train your brain through practice to have balanced responses to stress instead of violent ones. I won’t tell you that it has radically changed my life. It hasn’t. But it has helped… It has shown me that I’m not stuck like this. That I can change my responses and feelings. And it gives me a bit of control since there is an alternative to having a panic attack or something. Let me know if you look at it and what you think. Cheers… and again, thanks to all.