I made an analogy today when talking to my little sister about my SI. I recently told her that I used to do it but I’ve been three months free and don’t ever intend to go back to it, but that doesn’t mean the urge doesn’t come back every so often with a vengeance.
The urge to self injure is much like being thirsty. But imagine going a whole day without water and the next day waking up parched and just practically dying of thirst. When you’re that thirsty, you can’t think of anything but quenching your thirst and until it’s quenched, nothing else matters.
The difference between the two is that water we can’t live without…self injury, we can. We just don’t really know how to yet. I mean I’m learning to, but it’s so hard sometimes to know what outlet to use instead of giving in.
I try to talk about what’s going on in my life a lot instead of bottling things up like I’ve done my entire life. It’s enlightening how much of a relief it is just to tell one person. But it has to be the right person.
This fight is so hard. Some days, I just want to give up. But then I remember why this fight is important. Because I AM WORTH IT. Yeah, that’s right. God made me because He loves me. He doesn’t want me in pain. And I have people who love and support me who I don’t want to let down. But the main point is that I am NOT worthless. I have purpose and meaning. I believe there is a reason for everything…so there’s gotta be a reason we are all here on this earth, right?
YOU ARE WORTH IT. Don’t give up. Life is hard, but life is harder with an addiction to self injury. With the right way to cope, life can be enjoyable at the right moments. There will still be hard moments, but there are ways to get through those without hurting yourself more than you originally would be. I’m taking one day at a time to beat this. It’s not easy.
“I don’t wanna be afraid. I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today. And know that I’m okay. ‘Cause everyone’s perfect in unusual ways. So you see, I just wanna believe in me.” -Demi Lovato
You’re inspiring.
Thank you for this. It’s simple and it’s clear. You want to get better. Some of us are this way, in that we don’t know how. But as long as we know we want to, and that the SI life is something that is NOT a life, but merely a piece of ourselves, we can get through it. I just recently had a huge relapse after almost three years. I’m past the point of counting days and weeks and hours. I’m past that. I find it unuseful, and now I just focus on what I need to do to better myself instead. I never thought I’d be back here, searching for answers. This used to be my answer…coming here and posting and helping others through advice and support. I’m stronger because of where I have been, but I don’t think I can help others with advice yet. I have to take this time to absorb all the things that others have to give to me, in order to help myself. I know it sounds selfish, but I also can separate the selfishness from the need to just be content. And I’m getting there. So thank you so much.
Thank you so much for posting. You have such a beautiful heart. It takes alot to say what you did. I can see the strength within you through your post. Please remember to look at yourself EVERY day in the mirror and say to yourself. “I am worth life and love”. I say that to myself everyday and I have been SI free for 1 day. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
I’m struggling to understand my own problem… I don’t know why I turn to self injury. You seem so full of truth and trust in God and confidence in your own worth… How does someone like that struggle with SI? I mean… I get it… That describes me too… But I don’t understand why this is my breaking point. It makes me feel afraid and alone and confused. I’m new to talking about this… As of tonight.
thebigsister–
Talking about this is a HUGE step to understanding yourself and even to recovery, however far away that may seem. I just read the post you wrote and I relate to a lot of what you said. No, I’m not married or trying to have a baby, but the pressure to be the tough, perfect, and the one who “has it all together” can also describe me. And being a Christian doesn’t mean that we won’t have struggles in our lives. It just means we have purpose to fight through them because we know we were put here for a reason.
please, feel free to email me. I’d love to talk to you more about this.
visiblyperfectinvisiblyscarred@gmail.com
rescue is possible x0 and foundwoman–
Thank you both SO much for your comments. Just the thought that something I could have said may have inspired you makes me feel like all I’ve struggled through is worth it. I hope that I can continue to do that. Writing is an outlet I found that works instead of giving in to SI. If it helps me, I hope it can help others.
visiblyperfectinvisiblyscarred@gmail.com