So I guess I’d  had enough. Maybe it’s just my mind. But yes I SI’d again… I’ve been ok for the past two weeks or so but for a few days I started and just couldn’t stop again.. I’ve been trying to get a grip but I just couldn’t hold onto it.. I’ve had my heart broken again. Then stepped on, again, and again, and even again. It’ s really hard. I can’t believe how hard it is. I can’t believe how much I’ve been hurt. I got to the point where I didn’t think I could get hurt anymore. And yet people STILL find my weak spots.I’m getting real tired of those same people who hurt me so badly wanting to pretend like nothing ever happened. Do I blame them for me SIing again? No. I’m strong enough and smart enough to understand it’s always MY decision, poor as it may be. Do I wish I could disappear? ALWAYS. Its just that when I have good friends- BEST friends turn on me the way I’ve lost people I really opened up to and trusted over this past year, that makes me never want to trust anyone ever again. And I really can’t. I can’t talk to anyone without thinking,  ‘How long will we know each other before I lose my usefulness?’ I’ve thought this my whole life, ‘Everyone wants to use me’. Now I think maybe that’s my only purpose in life. To be used by others to accomplish their goals. Then After I lose my usefulness I can finally leave this life. Then also living like this means it doesn’t really matter what I do. I’ve never really been someone who needs friends, but I’ve almost always been lonely. And then over this past year I actually HAD friends, that I love (still) and trusted. But it was destroyed. You really cant choose who you fall for, but also you cant choose when you get OVER them, and if you ever stop loving them. I just wish people where smart enough to see when they hurt people. or at least big enough to BE sorry! I think I’m gonna let myself  be a loner for a while…. I have gotten past the hurt-so-bad-I-can’t-even-look-at-them phase, thank goodness. I’m having  an extremely hard time being forgiving though. It’s just that when i get hurt this badly, it’s very very hard to NOT want to actually get revenge at least by being nasty. I’ve never been one to lash out, I usually SI to compensate. But obviously, I’ve been trying not to do EITHER and this is where I start wanting to get soooooo frustrated!! It’s SO. HARD. And on top of everything else I feel like I cant even turn to my family for support. I feel like I’m always the only one who doesn’t have anyone. I’m so used to having no one to talk to and destroying myself slowly that I’m losing the ability to TRY anymore. I’m getting used to really, truly being alone… And honestly? I think it’s a good thing. Not having anyone means not LOSING anyone. And not depending one anyone means never again having to feel the PAIN of having all your trust and love ripped away from you and ground into dust like it was never anything. It means not having to remember the person you once said “I Love You” to without a second thought being someone you can’t even look at now. And best of all? It means never having to wonder why they ever said it to you…