I was just sitting here and got an urge to Si. I dont know why exactly. Like I got a flash and I could see myself si-ing. I got rid of a tool about 2 weeks ago, right after si-ing, I havnt since then. I dont know if I have been strong in not si-ing, or I’m simply scared my parents are too suspicous of my actions. My mom asked to check me last week, I started to panic, im 22 years old, there is no need for my mother to check me. So i let her, because Im better than it than she is. I hate how she made me feel like I was “sick”, “crazy”, “not to be trusted.” Like, let me be for once. If I’m going to make mistakes let me. I know Si is bad for me, and yes I try to hold off as much as I can, but she doesnt understand!!! Then another family member keeps making comments like “isnt it too warm to be wearing long sleeves?” REALLY?! Its winter, I get cold really easily ( I always have) cant I wear long sleeves and not worry about someone thinking I am trying to hurt myself?! I want to cry every time she tells me this, and I know shes joking but still. Its alot. Its a lot to handle when here I am trying to hold of from si-ing, knowing my tool is in reach and it would be finished in the next 5 mins and I can go back to being “me” again. Like would you like me to be freezing cold all day so you know Im not si-ing? Im not 14 anymore, after over 7 years of SI im much better at hiding it than my family would ever guess. I know this isnt something to be proud of. Its just a fact.
Yesterday seemed to be a whirlwind of random stuff. I started the top paragraph last night, got through the urges, and went home after going out to find out my aunt has breast cancer. I dont know how to handle it. She seems to be taking it fine, but I think she is more shocked than anything. I’ve never had to deal with anything like this. All my grandparents died before I was old enough to understand any better. I had an uncle pass away when I was 5, but I was 5. So i didnt understand it, plus he lived in a different country. But if anything where to happen to my aunt, whose been there since the day I was born, who I see many times a week, I dont know how I would handle it if anything major happened to her. I know I have to face reality, as does she, and I told her if she ever needs rides to drs appt and stuff I would take her, but at the same time, I dont know if i can see her like that. From what she understood from the phone call was its in the VERY early stages and it doesnt require chemo…yet. So I dont know. The urge to Si wasnt there when I found out, so i guess thats good??
Im tired of handling all my feelings and thoughts the wrong way. My first thought 99% of the time is to si. But a long time ago I promised myself I wouldnt Si BECAUSE of anyone. If someone else was in pain, yelling, screaming, I wouldnt SI because of that. I would wait, see if I could handle it, and well more times than not I sied…but I always made it something that was about me. I saw a quote the other day that said “if you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself youd be all alone” and its true. Ive rolled the thought through my head multipul times and everytime I see that it really is right. I treat myself horribly. I have this one body, this one life, this one chance, and here I am being the enemy to myself. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I could truly love myself for once. I always put this towards my weight, and I feel like I try so hard, yet nothing happens. If I go back through all my posts somehow I always end up talking about my weight, whether its good or bad. I dont know how I feel about it today. I just know I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. But then again, dont I everyday?