I’ve having a really hard time remembering why I want to stay in recovery. It seems it would be a lot easier on myself, on my ever racing mind, to just go back. I have heard a lot in AA meetings about “incomprehensible demoralization”. Someone blogged before me and mentioned being baker acted. It reminded me of one of the reasons I don’t want to go back. Waking up from a black out in a hospital alone not knowing or caring how I got there ,having to take my clothes off so as not to hurt myself with anything, walking around a hospital half naked because I couldn’t put my own gown on and not caring, being walked upstairs to the psychiatric floor was like the walk of shame. I remember thinking oh my god I don’t belong here, being watched every second, not being able to go to the restroom or shower unsupervised. I remember being SO cold, and having to ask for socks and blankets and nothing seemed to keep me warm in my soul. No locks, no choices. I was so utterly confused and so desperate. Standing in line with other people waiting to be fed pills to numb out the reality of where we were. People yelling and crying in darkness at night. To me, now, looking back that was an experience of incomprehensible demoralization.Last night I found and read my journal from my time in treatment, I was so, so angry. I couldn’t get through some parts, I was so full of anger and fear and hopelessness. It didn’t seem like I was reading about myself. I feel so different than just 4 and a half months ago. I don’t want to relapse with all of this and be back in that place. It feels so far away but I know that if I decide today to give up on recovery, I could be back there by tonight. One minute at a time today I have to fight through this. I hope I can.