So, my college suddenly decided it was going to block this website from me so I can’t view it while I’m there. As of right now I’m back home where my main triggers are and I’m so glad I can get onto this site to write.
I am three months SI free as of the 15th! I really don’t know how I’ve gotten through these three months. All I can say was that it was definitely not my own strength, but God’s. I was alone in my room the other night while my room mate was out with some friends and I knew she wasn’t going to be back for a while. I had been in a very bad state the night before but she helped me gain perspective, but I fell back into it the next night when she wasn’t there. I could have given in and no one would have been able to stop me. No one was around. Everyone was studying for finals. I was an inch away from giving into the urge to SI. But…something propelled me to just reach out a tad. And my friend replied to the text I sent him with the question I needed to be asked “Are you doing okay?” he’d asked me. I proceeded to tell him I was falling apart and then burst into tears.
That night, instead of giving in like I had wanted to and like I could have, I went for a walk at 11 pm and fought it. My friend then met up with me and we talked for about three hours.
The next day, I told my room mate what happened, and she was so proud of me. She was so shocked that I didn’t give in. She told me that I have changed so much this semester and that I am stronger than I think.
It’s hard to even have motivation to fight the urge when I think about how often the urge creeps back. But I’ve gone three months, longer than I’ve ever gone since I started to SI. I’ve had urges and I’ve had very close calls, but I still haven’t given in. I’m starting to believe that maybe I can beat this. It just may take me longer than I want it to. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I keep fighting and heading towards healing. I need to heal from my emotional wounds more than my physical ones. As do we all.
There’s a quote by C.S. Lewis that goes “I have learned now that while those who speak about ones miseries usually hurt, but those who keep silence hurt more.”
I wrote about this quote before saying that it was true about people who SI because we don’t speak of our miseries. But you know what I figured out? This is can be true about ANY kind of misery that is kept hidden and secret. We’re supposed to share and vent to people about what we’re going through. That’s what makes it hurt less. It doesn’t matter what that misery is. We shouldn’t compare what we go through. Pain is pain, there are just different levels. But if we share with someone else, that pain is lessened to something more bearable. I’ve learned to talk about my miseries, so I’ve been hurting less. I suggest everyone else on this website do the same. Just tell one friend. It may change your life. I know it’s definitely changed mine. I have two very dependable friends I know would drop anything to help me when I’m ready to give in. It took me a while to get to that point, but it’s possible. Just try it. Life is too important of a journey to go on the journey alone.