I’m really struggling with urges tonight. To self harm, and to drink. I haven’t wanted to drink/self harm this badly since my first night in treatment.It’s BAD tonight. I realized that this whole time I’ve been in rehab and working with therapist and in AA I have had that all or nothing thinking. Like if I am not doing exactly what I’ve been taught, if I’m not using ALL the tools I’ve learned then I’m a failure and I should give up because there is NO way I’m going to make it. So tonight I was sitting in this AA meeting and this older woman is talking about how through her first year clean from drugs/alcohol/self injury…she “white knuckled it” a lot of the time and barely made it through. The past four and a half months I’ve been doing everything I’ve been taught. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to me and most of the time it’s hard and I always feel vulnerable and I hate it but it works. Pardon the cliche but it does work if you work it. Tonight I am totally just hanging on by a thread. I don’t feel like praying, I don’t want to call anyone, the people I DID call didn’t pick up, I don’t want to read the big book, I don’t want to take deep breaths, I don’t want to write in my journal or paint or color or draw or do a puzzle or a word search or read a book or listen to soothing music. I just don’t. So I’m beating myself up over this and thinking to myself well I might as well follow through with all these thoughts, I’m not giving it my all, why keep going ? Now I’m thinking, for tonight, just white knuckle it, it’s better than nothing, hang on, if I’m not going to call anyone else, if I’m not willing to pray, to distract myself…etc…then just hold on until the morning. If all I can do is just hold on a few more hours until I can fall asleep. I get like this a lot at night time. It’s weird but my whole mood changes as it gets darker. I get darker and sad. I can’t even describe to you, whoever is reading, how strong these urges to drink are. I just can’t. Like when you’re working in the heat all day and you’re SO thirty and when you pour the cold fresh water down your throat it turns in to air and there is nothing and you NEED it to live. It’s big and I feel completely out of control. I can’t focus lately, I’m tired all the time, I’m totally overwhelmed with work, home, pain, everything. I don’t want to take my meds, I want to quit all of this recovery stuff, I want to hide under the covers and sleep and not talk to anyone for a long time. I keep MAKING myself talk to people, my therapist, my friends, people in the program, people who have supported me this year,people I don’t even know just to take myself out of myself. I am tired of talking and sharing my feelings.
I’m trying to remember this is a big process and there will be good times and bad times and just because I’m feeling and thinking all of things I’ve just written to you about it doesn’t give me permission to act on any of it. I’m 50/50 right now on which part of me will prevail tonight. I don’t feel like I have it in me to continue this way of life but if I just hold on tonight and fight through it then I can look back at this blog next time and know I made it through this impossibly hard night.