I had finals today.  2 long speeches that I was well prepared for.  I wasnt worried at all.  Both were in groups and one I knew would be a great group because we were all friends.  My other one, the girl drops a big bombshell on me 20 mins before class saying she has failed 2 communication classes.

“Cause you’ve been hurt before, I can see it in your eyes, you try to smile it away, somethings you cant disguise”

Like, ok whatever, Ive failed classes too but dont make me freak out right before we go on.  But whatever, she messed up, I did well, in the end it was fine.  But when I woke up this morning, I convinced myself if I si-ed my speeches would go better.  And well… i guess my inner urge is much stronger than I will ever be.  I gave in, and as a result I didnt really freak THAT much.  I usually get really nervous talking in front of classes, but today I didnt, I was so calm, like once I started talking I knew I would be fine.  Maybe this is how it feels to be doing well in a class?  For once Im going to pass all of my classes.  Every single one.

The mirror can lie, Doesn’t show you what’s inside, And it, it can tell you you’re full of life, It’s amazing what you can hide, Just by putting on a smile

I’m getting great grades and feel confident about my finals.  Yet….yet… the urge to si is still there.  I have been nurturing myself all day because I si-ed this morning.  Why do I always have this urge to take care of myself in the worst ways, when in reality there are many other ways I can take care of myself, not through Si.

I wanna wake up feeling beautiful and knowing Im ok