I can’t seem to pull myself out of this rut I’m stuck in. I am feeling real down. I really think a lot of it has to do with gaining a little bit of weight. Not a lot, but enough for me to notice. I’ve been obssessing over it. I got another big bombshell dropped on me two nights ago. My partner of over 4 years told me something I would have never expected to hear out of her mouth. She told me a big secret that will change everything between us. It’s a change I don’t know that I want to be a part of. I took it in, had nothing to say really because I couldn’t say what I was feeling. I wasn’t mad or anything, just in shock. I had NO idea. I thought I was fine but about two hours later I broke. I started crying and once I started I just couldn’t stop. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stand, I don’t think it was just that that I was crying about. It was everything. It was that news, it was sobriety and healing, it was family, it was memories, pains. I seriously could not stop crying. My partner freaked out, I can’t think of a time that I’ve had that much emotion flow out of me all at once. She said she took everything back and to please stop crying. I told her I want her to be real and honest and she absolutely should not make a decision this big based on MY reaction. I want happiness and peace for her. It was a messy, exhausting night. Not good or bad, just really intense. I am having a lot of trouble accepting what she told me and I’m kind of beating myself up about not being as open-minded as I thought I was.
Two of my friends from treatment picked me up from work today. I’m trying to get back on my meal plan and trying to talk about the eating disorder so I’ve been going over for dinner a little bit. So far for me, talking about these things with people who “get it” has been the most beneficial part of receovery. I’m not easily triggered to self harm anymore, it’s only been in the past year or two that I can say that. Not that I’m not at all, it’s just not as intense as it used to be and I know what to avoid and when I need to step back from something. That said, tonight at the treatment center when I was with my friends, one of the other clients self injured. Poor thing, she was raped less than a week ago, she’s detoxing from some hard drugs, and she was thrown into this place from out of town…It doesn’t surprise me she would do that at all. What did surprise me was my reaction to the situation. Once it happened, I felt that familiar tugging on my mind to let the thoughts in, to let myself think about how it would feel to harm myself. Again, I feel like I know better, I know when to step back usually but tonight I didn’t. I let the thoughts come in and I made a plan and when I got home, I hurt myself. I can’t say this was totally just by being triggered by this other girl doing it, I was thinking about it this morning at work but I thought about what was bothering me and worked it out. I don’t like that I did this. It didn’t do anything for me. It just is. It was a waste of my time and energy. I don’t know if this could add on to why but my psychiatrist just raised the dose of a mood medication I’ve taken for over two years…It could just be the weird side effects of raising medications like that but I feel violent. I’m so the opposite of a violent person to others outside of myself. It’s kind of freaking me out and if it persist I have to call the doctor I suppose. I feel terrible, I did a terrible thing tonight before I self injured, I was like in a rage ? I can’t explain it, I just couldn’t stop and I wanted to hurt something and when I did, I couldn’t calm down and just stop and breathe. This has happened to me a few times over the last few years but those times I was under the influence. I’m totally sober and I feel violent. Maybe it’s the meds, maybe not.
I really needed to share some of my thoughts tonight. I’m broken and feeling a little hopeless. I have gotten about 12 hours of sleep in the past 4 days and that could also be contributing to this funk I’m in. In AA they say “stay until the miracle happens”…so through ups and downs and slip ups and tears and rage and sadness and brokeness and healing and pain I’m sticking with this until the miracle happens. Somehow, somewhere deep inside of me I do believe the miracle WILL happen someday. ::sigh::