I havnt posted in a while, and honestly I didnt need to, although I would log on every few days and read up so I knew I wasnt alone.  It was a struggle. I didnt SI for about 8 weeks.  Well Im back to 2 days.  I dont know what made me SI again.  It was a good night, I went out with my best friend, had dinner, talked, and had a great night, yet I got home and all I wanted to do was si.  When we went out to dinner we started talking about our futures. Getting married, having babies, having careers.  The part about my career I was and still am really excited about.  I know what Im doing, I know where Im going, I have it all on track.  A year here or a year there I will get my doctorate in the field I want.  But when it came to husbands and children I froze a little.  I want all that, I want a family, I want a husband, kids, and a puppy.  But I cant ever see myself having that.  Im not sure why exactly. I cant ever see anyone wanting to be with me.  When I look in the mirror I see a person who has lost control again.  I cant control my eating at all.  I want to eat all day and it really stresses me out when I keep eating.  I need to start going to the gym again.  I wake up in the morning and tell myself I need to get to the gym, but I cant.  I lay there and stare at the ceiling.  Telling myself Im a terrible person, telling myself If i cant get my weight under control, how can I ever control anything else?  Anyway, so all these thoughts rush into my head and I think of si.  I held off for 2 months.  I wish i  couldve said this is my 9th week.  Its not.  So I dont even know anymore.  I feel alone.