I havnt posted in a while, and honestly I didnt need to, although I would log on every few days and read up so I knew I wasnt alone. It was a struggle. I didnt SI for about 8 weeks. Well Im back to 2 days. I dont know what made me SI again. It was a good night, I went out with my best friend, had dinner, talked, and had a great night, yet I got home and all I wanted to do was si. When we went out to dinner we started talking about our futures. Getting married, having babies, having careers. The part about my career I was and still am really excited about. I know what Im doing, I know where Im going, I have it all on track. A year here or a year there I will get my doctorate in the field I want. But when it came to husbands and children I froze a little. I want all that, I want a family, I want a husband, kids, and a puppy. But I cant ever see myself having that. Im not sure why exactly. I cant ever see anyone wanting to be with me. When I look in the mirror I see a person who has lost control again. I cant control my eating at all. I want to eat all day and it really stresses me out when I keep eating. I need to start going to the gym again. I wake up in the morning and tell myself I need to get to the gym, but I cant. I lay there and stare at the ceiling. Telling myself Im a terrible person, telling myself If i cant get my weight under control, how can I ever control anything else? Anyway, so all these thoughts rush into my head and I think of si. I held off for 2 months. I wish i couldve said this is my 9th week. Its not. So I dont even know anymore. I feel alone.