I had an eating disorder about 6 years ago. When I went to treatment in August the therapist all told me that it was highly possible that once I got sober from drugs/alcohol that self injury and bulimia would resurface. Self injury, I knew that. It’s always been there with me, but I thought the bulimia was for sure gone and I told them that repeatedly. I relapsed with the eating disorder yesterday, full blown. I don’t even know how I feel about it. I know I feel awful, but I don’t know what else. There IS something else, I just can’t put my finger on it.
This is what is playing in my head- “You have now relapsed with alcohol, self injury, and bulimia…give up! You’ve been self harming for over ten years, you’re never going to get better! While you’re at it, use drugs and alcohol too and go at that eating disorder, just give it up. You aren’t strong enough. You’re not well in your head and you never will be and you really just need to get over trying to be in recovery because you’re never going to make it. ” NOW, I talked to my sponsor in AA a little bit ago and she told me it’s “my disease” talking, it’s not reality.
I went to an eating disorder meeting tonight with a friend from a 12 step program. I REALLY need to talk about it with people but I’m just totally not comfortable. I’m trying to remind myself that there was a time I couldn’t talk about self injury, years I couldn’t tell anyone,years that it was my big secret, then once I started talking about it, it got easier and easier to open up about and the more I’ve opened up about it the more I’ve healed. So I’m hoping that will be the case with my eating disorder. I want to really get help with it this time, I never told anyone in when I was doing it back in college. I have tools now. I talked in the meeting, I knew most of the girls there so it wasn’t SO bad.
I feel like I just can’t deal with much more. I don’t see how I can keep fighting the urge to drink, to do drugs, to not self injure, and to not engage in an eating disorder all at the same time.. It feels like too much and I’m really, really, really having to take it a moment at a time. I almost sort of feel like the eating disorder isn’t THAT important, like I need to focus on alcohol because the combination of alcohol and self injury is the most dangerous for me. Mixing alcohol with self injury is what will probably kill me if I go back. This is one of those times I’m having to be very,very careful. I’m having to remind myself this whole thing really is a process and even if I engaged in the eating disorder tonight already it gives me NO excuse to go self harm. The old me would have used that as an excuse immediately. So I’m doing the next right thing. I have a plan. I’m going to go take a shower when I get off the computer, take a minute to reflect and relax in there. I work at 7:30 in the morning so I need to get some sleep. I haven’t slept well this week. Tomorrow after work a friend from the treatment center is picking me up and we are going back there to talk, she just relapsed also. After that I’m staying at the treatment center and going to a group session and I’m going to try my best to speak up and talk about all of this. After that I’m going to just stay there until an AA meeting later tomorrow night.
Someone very close to me is telling me right now that my life is pathetic and sad because I’m always at the treatment center, in therapy, at AA meetings, hanging out with friends from rehab. It’s so hard for me to not take that personally because I already feel like a huge dork. It doesn’t feel good to be vulnerable and ask people for help but all these things right now are the things keeping me from relapsing completely with everything and going back to that old sick mindset and I just can’t go back. I’m really fighting here, I am trying so hard to keep hanging on. It’s so hard right now. I’m not sure where this motivation to stay well is coming from…I want to crawl under the covers and cry and be left alone forever, I guess a bigger part of me wants healing.