I guess I wouldn’t be on this website if I didn’t have a problem. But this is hard to admit. Why, when I look at the scars, can I not feel anything? I know I should be repulsed, but all I feel is vaguely, secretly glad. It is a record of my deepest truth, of the pain that is inside me and never seems to go away. And just when I start to feel ‘well’ and I go through a period of stopping the SH, another part of me takes over and sabotages these efforts, as if from deep inside I am screaming ‘No!! I am NOT well. I am NOT alright!’ It is as if SH somehow balances me, transferring the pain from inside to out, and then I feel better. It does its job.
I know how you feel. I feel the same way. Im just not able to admit it to myself. I think….what i want to say is….maybe theres a part of me that doesnt want to stop. Maybe theres a part of me that doesnt want to get better. For me, its because im not good at anything, im not extraordinary.i have to live under my siblings’s shadows, they are athletic, musical, and arttists, and also, good at school. Im not the best at anything. Im not special, so i guess this is the one thing that makes me interesting. The way i deal with pain, the way i show my feelings is different, and unusual. I hate having to be this way….but secretly, i like it
I think i should feel something other than happiness when i do what i do but i don’t and all the people that love me tell me stop because i am killing myself but i don’t feel that i feel like i’m releasing myself letting myself be free….
I don’t think you should feel repulsed. I used to feel repulsion looking at my scars and it only lowered my already negative body image. I can relate to that “secretely glad” feeling also. I felt guilty for that feeling for a long time but it is what it is. Now that I’m trying to get better and heal inside I’ve had to get to a place where I can’t dwell on feeling disgusted with myself when I look at my scars. I try to remind myself that that’s where Ive been, it’s part of my life, scars are a consequence of self injury, and then I remember a sentance somewhere in the Bodily Harm book that says I never have to put another scar on my body if I don’t want to. That comforts me. Glad you posted this blog.
It’s interesting to know other people also secretly like SH… It’s a secret on top of a secret… When I started doing it, it seemed to ‘tick all the boxes’ if you know what I mean – on so many levels, it worked. And still does…
Ileana, you ARE special. You don’t need to DO anything to BE special. DOING isn’t BEING. That’s a lie we all get brought up with in our society. And it gets even worse if you look around at all the celebrities and rich people, everyone competing to be better… adults are caught up in the lie as much as teenagers and kids. And there’s a lot of miserable people out there who aren’t as brave as you are to come straight out and say, “I’m hurting”. You’ve helped me a little, just to feel connected, so thanks, if that’s worth anything…
Secrets of Me: keep trusting yourself – you know yourself better than anyone. SH freaks people out but fro lots of people it’s a coping strategy and a way of actually staying alive. Ironically.
thanks….i feel alone though…..email me? bichasala8@hotmail.com…..i guess i just need someone to talk to
i know exactly how you all feel…i feel the same way, and have for the past 3-4 years, it’s hard. i look at my scars, and kind of want to again…people dont understand why. but its not something a lot of people understandd..
if any of you guys need anyone to talk to, im here to listen.
Thanks desi_raelyn. Your support is HUGELY appreciated.
I am being forced to go to therapy. Im taking antidepressants. I dont want to though. Therapy and meds wont make a difference, because deep down inside i like injuring. If i want to stop i will, but im not going to stop because my parents say i must. Meds wont work, because sure maybe theyll help me be less depressed, but i will keep doing it whenever i get urges. I dont want to hurt anyone by doing it, but its my decision to stop, right? Its frustrating to have people tell me its wrong! Because its not! Its just not accepted by society, but that is not our faul right? I mean what about…..meds? I think they make you have suicidal thoughts and stuff. So in order to get better i have to suffer a little right? Well thats what injuring is like for me, a little pain makes me feel better.