Thank you for fixing the blog. It feels safer now and there are things on my mind that I want to write about-though it isn’t clear to me what they are. Maybe I want to say that I thought I be somewhat transformed by the process of healing and a little saddened that I’m still myself. Maybe I want to say that I am saddened- feeling robbed of my irrational thinking. I never really even wanted it to go away…. though somewhere I must have wanted to live. But responsibility and awareness are so hard. And if I could just have the old stuff back that would be all peaches but I’ve come to far. Even when the urges are there I know that they are coming from *me* and I know that it is not true that if I do whatever that will appease them and then they will go away. I know that if I hurt myself I am only feeding the monster. I know that because there is extra stress in my life I went all black then when I thought I had worked myself out it, I realized today how I hadn’t worked myself out of anything- I had only flipped to all white. I am an adult who performs at a high level in a job that is all about understanding nuance. I am baffled that that is true while it is also true that I really do think, mostly about my own well-being, in black and white terms. And baffled that I didn’t even see it when things were all white earlier today. I know that I have flipped back black now. I know that I used to live this way- back and forth- and that I generally don’t live that way anymore and that it can feel like I’m traveling a staircase down to a pit if I get down on myself about being in a spot I haven’t been in in a while. I know that my therapist has talked to me about his own version of a staircase- a spiral staircase where it can seem like you’ve looped back to the same spot but it’s not the same because you are not the same. I know that I am not the same. But I also know that I have a “should” about not the same should equal so relieved of more problematic symptoms when I only feel robbed of them and want them back and in the face of not being there for me- I know that is not a path I want to let my mind go down. I know that one of my mediation teachers likes to talk about thoughts as trains- don’t board the ones that are going somewhere you do not want to go. I can keep wanting to go on for my son. And I can know that feelings change. can I access something positive? What has brought be pleasure recently? I can relax my body and feel the sofa. The pervasive not-safe feeling is sweeping through. I know about it too. And I know that I can try and befriend it, invite it to tea. I know that pushing it away only locks it in and I know that trying to solve it by making the situation worse only makes the situation worse. I know that I can even try to befriend the grumpiness I feel toward all the things I know that I do not want to know because I want to let go and self-destruct. And I know that letting go toward God is another option. I know I can pray. I know that I often forget all about praying. I know that it’s ok let myself goof off and watch tv. I know that it’s healthy to pet my dog. I know that I can focus on gratitude. I know that whatever I invest my thoughts in grows. I know that I am starting to feel lighter. I know that the weather is pleasant. I know I can go to yoga tomorrow. I know that unpleasant doesn’t mean that I’m not on the mend. I know I am ridiculously lucky to have good mental health services available to me. I know that law and order svu makes me feel safe- the repetition of- this is not ok- this is not ok. That some people actually get upset when really bad things happen to people they love. That society cares. That someone cares. So I’m going to go watch that now and I’m not going try not pushing away the thoughts I don’t want to be having- I’m going to try saying back them to instead- oh- that’s very interesting. Hum, tell me more. Perhaps if I can just watch them and listen to them they will pass the way an emotion passes if I’m able to treat it the same way. I hope so.