Some days i go on here just to make sure I’m not alone. I want to SI probably because I’m also trying to recover from an eating disorder and I’ve been eating normally to please my mom while i’m home for the Thanksgiving break. Truthfully i think i’m pushing myself and my body a little to far. I’m taking what my counselor calls “giant steps” and what giant steps can do is cause you to take steps back instead of forward. I want to restrict because I’ve only been consuming regular meals for 3 days and i know when i head back to college my life will consist of restricting after reaching the goal of eating for 5 days straight. I learned these giant steps I’m not ready for and i should go back to consuming small “meals” which aren’t really meals but is better than restricting completely. After 3 days of normal consumption and pretending i’m fine when really my head is screaming FAT and gross when i’m not because my weight at the age of 19 and being 5ft tall isn’t fat but in my head it is. Just think i gained a small amount, another reason why i want to SI. When i feel like i have no control i start to want my control back.
I see 5 professionals: my primary care doctor once a month off campus, doctor on campus every 2-3 weeks, nutritionist on campus once every 2 weeks, counseling on campus once every 2 weeks( don’t like as much) and counseling off campus once a week( i like that counselor better). It’s overwhelming to have a team while it only being my Freshman year in college. I had to drop a class and withdraw from it because for the first time in my life i was failing. My eating disorder has caused my grades to drop and caused me to sleep in class and that’s not like me. In high school i was this good student who graduated with second honors. Now i have an eating disorder and i have just become stupid. How did this college accept me in the first place? I’m tired of keeping all of these emotions in i feel like my eating disorder is destroying my family just imagine if they knew that I’ve been SIing for the last 8 years of my life.