I’m sitting here at home, in the dark, a candle lit, listening to the talented Beth Hart before bed and I just felt like I need to blog.
I’m grateful, but It’s bigger than that, it’s one of those things you can’t really think of a word strong enough for. I’m in awe of what happens when you let people in to help and just let go. I sought help for so long and I swore it was impossible. I thought I didn’t REALLY need help, then when it became clear to me that I did, I thought no one cared about me enough to listen to the insane thoughts going on in my head, then a few special people did. I thought I was alone and no one understood me and no one else had these twisted secrets-it was a huge relief when I found an entire community like me. I was hurting and I didn’t know why and I had no sense of balance inside of me. I clung too tightly to anyone who showed the slightest attention to me. I unknowingly pushed people away that way. I was blessed to meet a couple people who understood that and set boundaries in a caring way that I didn’t get at the time but it taught me a big lesson. I was blessed to have these people to answer my questions and calm my fears of reaching out. When I got to a real low point,when I was the sickest physically, spiritually,mentally, and emotionally that I’d ever been, people were there to catch me.
All in one day doors were opened financially to go to treatment. Hospital bills were covered, residential treatment was covered, work approved my leave. I say that to say that to anyone who thinks getting help is impossible, it isn’t. I thought it was impossible, I believed to my core that I could never afford it financially and that it was completely out of the realm of possibility. I’m still amazed at how that all worked out so easily when it was the right time. I can’t express how blessed I feel.
I relapsed a little less than two weeks ago. It was a terrible experience but I very quickly remembered why I had to stop. To my surprise, and at the same time not to my surprise, it didn’t work. The feelings I was trying to forget about, they didn’t go away. Obviously relapse isn’t a good thing, but I walked away with eyes wide open. I’m grateful that I had someone to pick me up and take me a safe place that night and that I was back in recovery mode the next day…from listening to other people’s stories of their experience, apparently a lot of people don’t make it back.
I had to say all that tonight, maybe for me, maybe for someone reading. I’m in a place mentally that I never, ever, thought was possible for me. I JUST started this journey into recovery, I can only imagine how much more there is for me if I stay on this road. I’m not naive either, I’ve seen people fall quickly. From being in treatment, meetings, support groups, I’ve learned how strong of a hold these things can have over us if we don’t get honest and reach out, and it terrifies me. I have no delusions of staying clean and sober and healthy forever, I know I’m someone who will always have to be vigilant about my sanity and my recovery. I’ve learned what happened when I put it aside even for a day. I know that I will be ok though, as long as I keep putting in to practice the things I’ve been taught. I want this. I want to be healthy more than I want to be sick. Life is so different on this side. I can’t even pinpoint exactly what it is, I’m present and it’s a new experience. I feel anger and sadness and frustration and fear now and it doesn’t feel good but I feel proud of myself every time I sit through some uncomfortable feeling. I’m looking forward to growing and feeling and reacting to things with this new mindset. I never thought I would say that =)