I never really liked myself, I never really looked at myself in the mirror and thought:: I am beautiful and I look pretty today. I get ready in the morning with my flawless and gorgeous sister, how could I ever match up with her? How could I ever consider myself beautiful and attractive when my sister outshines me in every possible way?
When I was in seventh grade, that was about five years ago, I hated everything about myself. I wouldn’t eat in front of people, except for family. I would only really eat in my room and when I did, I wouldn’t stop until I had something to do. That something was usually related to self injury. I started hurting myself around the end of my seventh grade year and I kept it a secret for almost six months, then my friends started to notice changes in my behaviors. Less eating, more clothes.
It took me four years to finally take a stand to stop hurting myself. I’m almost a year and two months clean and I could care less. I should care. I should be proud. But when I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, all I want to do is control my eating somehow. More importantly, I just want to quit staying strong and fall apart and take my anger and hate out on myself in the worst of ways.
I feel so unbelievably alone in a crowd full of people whom love me with all their heart. I know I’m not alone, but I know thay everyone is done with hearing about my struggles. How can I possibly not feel more alone than ever?
I speak such hopeful words to others who are struggling just as much as I am or more. I constantly try to find ways to help others achieve what they want the most:: to break free from self injury. Why should I try to help others when no one bothers to ask if I’m okay, if I need someone to lean on?
I have gotten used to the idea of helping myself and picking myself up after a fall, but I’m tired. I’ve depended on friends for such a long time that I have to do this on my own, but when I’m alone and I can’t talk to anyone, I just want to throw it all away. Now when I say I just want someone to talk to, I don’t mean ask for advice, I just want someone to be there when I need to vent. They don’t need to pat me on the shoulder or wipe away my tears, I just want someone to know that I’m not as together as I put myself out to be.
I never really asked for help out loud, my friends just assumed and helped me in the best of their abilities. I never take much advice, never of my own advice, but others take my advice. I never really got the hang of truly wanting to break free of self injury, yet I’m more than a year clean.
I must be doing something right.
Not self injuring for over a year is something to be very proud of! That took a lot of strength.
What if the best thing to do is take that a step further? Asking for help and reaching out is the best way to get the help and support you need. We ALL (every single person) need help from time to time. Even though we hope people will just see we need help and give it, it doesn’t work out very well that way. Even if they can see we need something, they don’t know WHAT we need. Practice reaching out for help from trustworthy adults. Maybe consider seeing a counselor/therapist. People see therapists for support all the time, there is no shame in it and it does NOT mean you are weak. It actually takes more courage to face your problems than to try and get rid of them on your own.
You are doing great with not self injuring, but you still sound like you’re struggling a lot. You don’t need to go through this alone. Reach out to an adult, I think you’ll see there is so much more out there. It’s scary though, I know.
All the best,
Pam