Wow. interesting. I just came across this site. It’s actually a valid site. And they provide a community chat sort-of outlet for people who go through the same thing. That’s so, … modern. Wow.
When I injured my self, I didn’t even have my own computer. People these days are pretty lucky to have personal laptops.
No, I’m not old. Maybe I’ll feel “old” some day, but I’m not. I guess, from what I’ve read, most people who post things here are in their teens. I started (oops, almost used the “c” word… I’ve learned just now that it’s called SI) SI when I was 16. My dad died when I was three. My mom never learned what it was to hug. Then a boy in tenth grade abused me. I didn’t tell anyone about it for three years. That’s when I started to write dark poetry. I had a girl friend who commiserated in writing dark poetry. It was a great outlet. I also thought about running away, and hurting my self, wanting to die (but not really).
Then in my senior year, I SI’d. I still have a scar, just ten years later. I look at it. I still want to do SI. I do. I do. I don’t want to die, but I want to harm my self. Often. At least every couple months.
I’m married. My husband loves me. We even met in high school, who would have thought?! He cares for me. He has no idea how bad things are for me. Yes, I have depression. I have anxiety. I have a stressful job. I feel like he has all of these high expectations for me.
What else. What else is there to say? Writing this is helping, a little. But I’m still going to tell my therapist tomorrow (thank goodness for him) that I want to hurt my self. I know he will ask why.
All of this, that I’m going through, and I even want to be a Mommy. Babies make me so incredibly happy, more than you, reader, could ever know or imagine.
I need help. I am not getting enough help. I have resources, friends, family (well, not really, my family isn’t “there” for me emotionally), a loving husband. And yet, all I want to do, is… see it. See my self do it. Feel it.
Help. Help. Help me. Help. Please, someone, help. Help me. Help.