It always seems like my life loves to play tidal wave. Lately I’ve spent so many days wishing I could not be a part of it. I just don’t know if I have the strength anymore. This last year has taken a lot out of me. Some of what I thought was the best parts of me I served out to those I thought were friends and loved dearly, and in return I feel like I’m back where I started. Honestly I think I’m regressing in some ways to the girl I was when my mom had just passed away right after I turned 16. I feel like I was safer then. I made a promise to myself after the past month or so. “So help me God, I’ll never trust another person as long as I live.” Believe it or not, I don’t mean it angrily, I don’t mean it bitter, I’m not even sad about it. It’s just a promise I’ve made to myself. I didn’t realize it until my last friendship fell apart, that it was my last shot for having a trusting relationship with another human being. But yes, honestly I cannot do it again. I cant open up myself, my soul up to ONE  more person just to have them prove down the road that I never should have opened my arms or my mouth in the first place. No One is safe to talk to and nothing is Sacred. I’ve learned that the term “best friend” is really like the word “Love”.  A strong word that people like to toss around like it’s nothing. When in all honesty, it should be saved and cherished like holding an actual heart in your hands. All I really want now is to stop craving SI. I haven’t wanted to SI this bad in a long time. I feel so stressed out between my job and my personal life that I feel like I have no where to rest and no where to go….And one of the craziest things in all of this mess? I’m actually in the healthiest relationship that I’ve been in a…..gosh, maybe ever… and I cant open up to him.. I know so much about my boyfriend and in return? He knows so little about me. I literally cannot open up to him. It’s a shame. I actually don’t think of when we’ll break up or when he’ll betray me like I have in all my other relationships and yet, still, I just can’t open up. I don’t think He’ll betray me either, I just…I don’t know. I can never talk to anyone about when I feel like I have been lately. And the worst part is, it’s becoming  normal for me. And when one problem resurfaces, all the others like to follow behind it.. I really do doubt how much time I have left and when I wont be able to drag myself through all this. In the end thought I’m still trying. I’m trying to see some positives. I don’t know what to do about not being able to trust again. Even if I turned out to be wrong about some of what happened, the fact remains that the one person I had allowed myself to fully trust over the last two years completely took that trust away and they will never be able to get that trust back. Even if I wanted things to go back to the way they were, My Heart simply isn’t strong enough.. If I even tried, my heart would die trying…