I’m 17 and I’ve been self harming for the past four years now. Everyone tells me I need to stop. People threaten to send me to the hospital or not talk to me until I stop. I don’t want to go back to the hospital, I’ve been there twice and didn’t stop self injuring. I don’t want to lose the two friends I have where I live now, it’s so hard for me to make friends and I cling to the few I have. Some people just call me names and talk about me. I’ve been called crazy, I’ve heard people whispering about the marks on me. They all know that I’m not a fighter and some of them take advantage of that, they’ll trip me as I walk off of the bus.
I stayed after school one day trying to postpone going home. A teacher saw my injuries and called my mother. I don’t think I’ve been so scared in my life. At fifteen I was put into an inpatient hospital where I stayed for three days. I stopped injuring for those three days but started again when I was released. It started when I was at a horse farm one night and I was kidnapped. I was able to get away but I didn’t tell anyone what happened for over three weeks. I was thirteen the night of the kidnapping and that was the first time I self harmed and everyday after that. I became addicted during that time and even after my kidnapping secret was out I continued to self harm whenever I felt any kind of stress. Fear, anger, depression, anxiety, they all ended temporarily with the release of the SI.
The depression had been building since I was much younger, verbal abuse from my mother started around the time that I started elemetary school. My biggest emotional change came when I was about ten. I got use to the insults from my mother and later my sister too and developed an eating disorder at eleven. I was in the hospital again for my SI when I was sixteen, that time I stayed for three weeks and continued to find ways to SI while I was there. They let me out after I had hidden it for about three days and they didn’t find out. No one ever caught on to me going to the bathroom after each meal or if they did they didn’t mention it.
So here I am now, in a verbally and occasionally physically abusive home and being bullied and harrassed at school, still intentionally harming myself and purging. No one knows about the eating disorder, my mom saw me in the bathroom after dinner one night but I was able to play it off. I want to stop for some of the people that I care about who tell me to stop, I want to continue self harming because some people who tell me to stop treat me so badly that I don’t want to stop. As for myself, I’m really too afraid to even consider stopping something that gives me the immediate release that I’m looking for, no matter how temporary, because I haven’t found anything that works as well. I hope I’ll be able to find something healthy someday to do instead, then I can give other people tips that worked for me. All I can say to people who are in a similar situation as me is that home abuse and bullying is never your fault. I know I always blame myself even though I know somewhere in my mind that it’s really their choice to do these things, not mine. A lot of people think I’m too old to listen to Demi Lovato but I’ve been a huge fan since forever and Demi Lovato is an inspiration for me now. I learned recently that she went through some similar things as far as the bullying and resorting to SI and an eating disorder. She on the other hand had a very supporting family and friends. I listen to her music and watch her interviews whenever I need a little motivation. =)