This past week has been a nightmare and beyond. I have never wanted to fall back as much as I have this month and last month. I am one year, a month and a half clean. I wish I wasn’t that deep into my sobriety run, because then I wouldn’t feel so bad if I were to relapse.

I have all of the tools imaginable to prevent myself from relapsing, but as of the moment my grandmother passed away, all I could think about is different ways to fall back.

I know I’m a strong person, but I’m tired of fighting. I’m on the edge and I feel as if someone or something pushes me over the edge, I will lose it.