Sometimes, it doesn’t matter that nobody is listening. As long as they hear. I have a really good friend who I can confide everything in. I hate the pain it causes him when he hears me hurting. I told him that he doesn’t need to listen to a word I’m saying, all I need to know is that he heard the words come out of my mouth. That’s why I love writing. Except this time, it doesn’t hurt anyone. The problem is, sometimes you need that comfort, you need someone to respond to you. One of my friends who triggered everything in the first place is not good about that. I stayed up night after night, crying, telling him that I loved him, that other people did, not to hurt himself. And now, whenever I try to tell him that I’m in pain, he doesn’t want to hear it. It hurts me.
Some times that I have come really close to coming back to S.I. recently are because of my parents. The pressure that my mom puts on me to be perfect. Both of my parents’ medical problems, my dad’s anger problems. They are all triggers for me that I can’t seem to get away from. And I need some advice on how to deal with it when things like that happen, that I can’t get away from.
Another trigger that has really been itching at me lately is the feeling of lonliness. My best girl friend basically has a new best friend, who hates me, and is a rude person. My friend has also been dressing sluttier and it’s kind of making me mad. She’s changed a lot. I’m going to a party at a friend’s house tomorrow, and she and the other girl will be there, and my friend will be flirting with my ex, who will also be there. I’m going to be a sort of odd one out. It’s not that I don’t have friends, it’s that I feel like I always have to be the one to initiate the conversation, or invite them out, and I’m getting tired of feeling lonely. Like all of my friends are leaving me. And talking about me behind my back. I can’t take it anymore, but I can’t just get rid of all of my problems, and I don’t know how to deal with them. Is there any advice? Please help. 😐