First I want to clarify that I know I’m not going to hurt myself.  I can manage.  But you know those movies where some horrible slimy tentacled monster bursts out from a person’s chest?  That is how I feel.  I am that horrible monster breaking out of me, grasping.  This is fairly predictable.  I feel this way when my therapist goes away.  I see him three times a week, once in a group and twice individually, and I’ve been doing great.  But I feel scared without him.  I know my safety doesn’t come from him- it comes from me.  I’ve worked with him for 2 1/2 years and now really get too that I am in control- I have a choice and no matter what I’m thinking that’s just an urge and my hands do not just take over and start doing things to me- I am in control of them.  And the dangerous people are out of life.  It is not rational to be this freaked out but it is also completely real and valid, even though it isn’t coming from my rational mind.  I think what I’m doing here is I want someone to please tell me how to make all this pain go away.  Or, if I’m more honest, what I want is total rescue. I can think of how incredibly embarrassed I would be if I slipped up when he was away.  It would just be so obvious and I’d feel so ashamed.  I don’t want to feel like I can’t live without serious hand holding and I’ve gotten plenty of support into my life in the last year but it’s just not the same.  I know that one thing that helps is whenever  I should be with him I go and do something special- take myself on a field trip.  But right now I feel like a baby just dumped in it’s crib and I want to scream and scream for someone to pick me up again.  I can remember being with him.  That helps.  I know I can even just sit and feel what it feels like in my body- just take an attitude of curiosity to the feelings- welcome them and whatever they are pulling up.  Maybe this is really an opportunity for healing- to feel so strongly.   But then that goes right to-  I don’t even want to heal because if I heal I’ll loose him.  ……..  It isn’t even about missing appointment, it’s even more general- just knowing that he isn’t around.  Who is going to protect me….watch over and make sure everything is safe..or just be close by and steady.  I see my mind go toward- i have to master this- ….maybe if I read Winnicot I’ll be saved….  -I think though that I just need to be with it.  I need to figure out the resources I have in my life that I can lean on.  I can make a list and put it on the wall.