thus far I have realize that I am spiraling down to a nervous breakdown. I am well aware that i am falling inot depression. However i dont see the point in seeking for help. why look for help, i dont want to take happy pills. I dont want to think that im happy when im know that im not. I need advice. Please tell me what i can do. I dont want to do what i do but iam officially lost and unaware of my own actions. It has reached the point where my pain will soon hurt others if i dont speak up. However i fear that if i do iwll hurt the ones i love more,  either way speaking or not i know that soon my pain will be revealed. however, im afraid. Afraid of judgment and hatred and most of all disappointment. What if no one can ever truly understand? what do i do then??? i need help and for once in my life iam truly asking for it