I spent the entire past six weeks worrying about things. I was recently caught after SI, and my family referred me to this sight. I can’t know that it’s going to help me get a control on my urges, but I can certainly hope. I want to stop, to get my life back in order after all these years, but it’s like the call is just to sweet.
I actually don’t know what my trigger is. I know I tend to get the urge after I’ve been around a guy I like, but that’s not the only time. If I’m angry, sad, scared, happy, exhilerated, embarrassed, depressed, anything that is emotionally strong, I get the urge. Also when I’m bored. When I feel like I have nothing better to do. I don’t know what to think of myself.
It’s gotten to a point that when I look in the mirror I don’t even see myself anymore. I see a scared little girl. I look in the mirror and I don’t see a almost full grown adult. I see a child, crying and begging to be released. It’s the worst thing in the world to look in the mirror. I know I’ll always find my down fall in the familiar face. I just wish I could see the adult everyone says I need to be.
When I was twelve and I started to SI, I didn’t think it would still be happening in 5 years. But it is, and I’m quickly losing my grip on reality due to it. I even dream about it. I never planned any of this, but it’s happened. Now I’m losing control. I’m slipping up, unable to resist the urges that call out to me. It’s terrifying really. I want to say no, but I can’t find the strength that is needed. I look at my instruments, and I say, I’ll put it away forever tomorrow, but it seems that tomorrow never comes. So how do I force myself to STOP!???