I guess I just need advice, because issues with crushes and just men in general has always been my number one trigger. I don’t know that I plan to SI, so much as it just happens after a long day. And lately it’s happened a lot. I would like to say I’m ready to quit, that I don’t need it, but the closer I get to reaching that point, the more urges I get.

Is it because I have a crush that I SI? No. It’s because men in general frighten me. I’ve experienced a lot of junk in my life with men touching me. Hurting me physically, and mentally, and i don’t know if I can allow myself to be close to them like other girls would. I also have the issue of age. I don’t find men my own age appealling. I tend to like older men. Teachers and friends of my parents. If they’re over 24 then I’m more likely to look at them and say, oh wow, he’s hot. I’m 17. This crush is probably the worst, and the most gut wrenching. This time it’s crush on a man I see for two hours five days a week. My teacher.

I really just don’t know what to do. Do I tell him that I can’t be in his class anymore? Do I stop talking to him when I need advice. I’m falling for a man that is married and twice my age. What should I do???