I self-harmed for the first time on saturday  in almost a year. and then i did again last night. im feeling pretty low at this point..only two of my friends know, but honestly.. i dont want to talk to them about it. i guess i did before, cause i told them them that i had injured myself and i really needed someone to talk to. but now, i dont want anyone that i know to know FULLY whats been going on. it gets really annoying, esp because there always asking if im okay (mainly my parents and sister) and once something is wrong, or not going well, if i dont have a smile on my face, or..if im “not talking as much as i usually do” they automatically assume something is wrong and wont leave me alone about it. i know there just concerned and want me to know that their always there if i ever need them, (and i honestly couldnt ask for better parents. im so greatful) but seriously.. the only reason i hate even bringing up that im going through a hard time is because im forced to act happy. once something is wrong, i feel like i cant ever be sad, or ever want to have time by myself because their always checking on me, or looking at me to see if im okay. i literally have to put on a fake smile and act like im doing okay just so they’ll stop asking every second. i mean, its so so great that i have a family that loves and cares so much for me, but when they know somethings up…until im happy.. they’ll assume the worst out of everything. i want to talk about how im feeling and vent and cry and be able to go to someone so it doesnt get bottled up in me, or even on paper, but in this house..i cant truly “work through” my feelings. and i hate that, because i feel fake, and if im sad, i want to be able to feel sad and express that, and cry it out, or push through it. i want to stop feeling like i cant be myself or express my true feelings.
i need someone. i need someone to understand what  im going through and how i feel. just someone who simply..gets it.
i need somewhere to go.. and im hoping this can be the place..